shovel

Maybe I will just blog away my anxiety.

This post will resemble a page out of a diary. Or journal. I'll call it a journal. Journal sounds more mature for some reason. Diary sounds like it is littered with hearts and hidden under my mattress, my mattress which is occupied by no less than two dozen bears and horses and unicorns and dolls who pee in little plastic potties. Journal is for the sophisticated members of society. And I am nothing if not sophisticated.

Where to start. Exactly. I never know where to start in/with anything/anyone. I paralyze myself with fear, sometimes, but most of the time my stagnation is due to indecision. It's not that I lack interest; it's quite the opposite. I am too interested in too many things (and places) (and people) (and ideas) (and hairstyles) (and so on forever and ever) that I become overwhelmed with the amount of things to do (and places to visit) (and people to meet) (and ideas to realize) (and hairstyles to regret) (and you get the point). I end up distracted, easily seduced by the next brilliant plan that pops into my head and then... And then a decade goes by and I'm left with not a lot to show for it.

So what do I do? How do I stick with something to completion? And how do I define "completion"? I have a hunch that it begins with clearing out the clutter. Once I have at least a corner of necessary space, the thoughts will stop buzzing and I'll be able to zero in on something -- and let me remind myself that that "something" does not need to be the most important thing in the world. It just needs to be something. It's like having a driveway packed with snow -- you don't analyze each corner and area of the driveway for hours, taking notes and consulting a myriad of people before picking up the shovel. You just pick up the shovel and get started. As fathers all over the world might say, "The driveway ain't gonna shovel itself." BUT WHAT IF IT DID. Should I invest my time and energy into creating a self-shoveling driveway? Does a driveway even have a Self? And why is it called a driveway and not a parkway? See. You knew I was going to say that.

But anyway. Where oh where do I begin? I don't really care where I begin at this point. I am just going to pick something to do and do it. So... Looks like I'll be farming this summer? Yes, that is one option. Organic farming for at least two weeks on some farm somewhere. Okay, great. Another option is to write my little heart out. Devote each spare moment to poetry, whether that's reading poetry or writing poetry (preferably the later). Oh, and there are about half a million other options, but what's the point in going through them over and over again? I'll still be where I am if I never pick up that shovel.

But first, a banana. Need to have the energy to clear that driveway, you know? You know.