Thursday, December 17, 2015


In the most surprising and welcome news of 2015, I have started to cut back on my time on the treadmill to come home and meditate. Except for today. I still cut back on my running, but instead of meditating, I am doing this. You know, blogging like I am some 17 year old who is so proud she has a blog. Sometimes I think this dopey blog is the only thing I have going for me. That and maybe my Twitter feed. I may be giving myself a bit of a hard time (I've been known to do that occasionally), but lately I've become aware of some of my personality traits of which I am not so fond.

Like quitting. Wanna know a secret that cannot remain a secret for much longer? I quit my second job. Like, two days ago. I swear there was something about that snow storm on Monday that caused its own blizzard in my personal life. Everything fell apart on Monday, in small but significant ways, and by Tuesday I hit a brick wall -- luckily not literally. But emotionally I was stuck. It's difficult to explain because I'm still trying to figure out what it was. Whatever it was, it caused me to somewhat impulsively and frantically quit my job. Immediately after I felt the brick wall dissipate. There was still dust and rubble, however. No decision can ever be spotless.

So now what? Now I wrestle with my self doubts. Now I try to hold myself to higher standards so that I don't keep ending up in positions that deaden me with people who drain me. Now I attempt to take more responsibility for my decisions, to avoid avoiding things and people and situations that are uncomfortable. Now I get comfortable with the uncomfortable. Now I forgive myself.

When I have more time, I want to go over the reasons why I quit and do a little self-reflection. Maybe that should be kept in a private journal. Maybe I should first have a private journal. But the one thing I don't want is to remain quiet and afraid and isolated. I want to let people in, to give them a chance, to give myself a chance. I may quit a job here and there, but I hope I never quit myself.

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