Thursday, December 31, 2015

31,536,000 seconds

Is this the post where I am supposed to reflect back on 2015 with tinges of nostalgia, regret, perhaps even remorse, joy, fondness, embarrassment, the inevitable anxiety, and the required gratitude? And then maybe in this same post I am to proclaim all of hopes and promises for the future, the future that is less than 24 hours away? THOSE LAST NINE WORDS WERE THE MOST ABSURD WORDS I HAVE EVER WRITTEN -- and I used to write a lot of absurdist one-act plays in college! Anyway, I guess I can crap out a post like that right now. If not now, soon. If not soon, when? If not when, why not? If not not, why not knot? And so forth. And. And. And.

The first two "news" headlines I saw this morning had to do with Kylie Jenner and her dog, and Guy Fieri being a dog. I am glad I know more about these two saviors of society and can't even locate Syria on a map. Okay, I can locate Syria on a map, but only kinda.

Oh yeah. 2015. How the freak do I sum up the year and control all of the emotions that come with it in roughly 20 minutes? Because I'm only gonna allow myself 20 minutes to write this post, not that time really matters <--- BUT GUESS WHAT time really does matter, at least in our culture. I am nothing if not a bitch to our culture. Speaking of bitch, let me first bitch about 2015, emotionally bury those bitchings, and then end on a more optimistic, cheery note. Because I am nothing if not an optimistic, cheery bitch who buries emotions with the shovel of avoidance. 2015: The Big Bitch *Turns out having anemia sucks. Actually, in small ways it was indulgent. I received attention. That sounds bad, but the truth doesn't always sound like a church choir. I received sympathy and well wishes and words of concern. And when I went into the hospital once a week for my iron infusions ($$$$$$$), I received hellos and smiles and free crackers. I'm assuming they were free. They very well could have charged me triple digits for the individually wrapped saltines. In fact, they totally did because I am just now remembering that they were brand name crackers. Premium. Premium Saltines at a premium price. And all because I don't produce enough red blood cells. *I sure did a shitty job at my job. I'm specifically talking about the job I had at the beginning of the year. I started out motivated! So motivated! And excited! Quite excited! And then once I realized I was the lowest of the low on the totem pole who didn't even get to interact with the children that much ("Here! Correct these multiplication tests in the dimly lit backroom five days a week while I do a terrible job at teaching because I've secretly given up on my job, too."). I should have either talked to someone about my disappointment, tried to find the positive/try harder, or walked away. Instead I stayed, did a piss poor job, and was all-around miserable. *Fast forward a couple of months to my other job, which I walked away from too soon. I think. I gave up on it in a moment of desperation. I think. I should have thought about it a little bit longer. I think. I don't know what to think quite yet about that job. It pains me to think about it, so for now I'll do what I do best and avoid anything which causes me even the slightest discomfort. *This one is a toss-up. I moved to Salt Lake, which felt like an impulsive decision, but I had actually been weighing it in my mind for a long time. Part of me wishes I would have given it some more time, but I know that if I don't just go and do whatever it is I am considering right away, I'll never budge. I have to force myself to do things, I have to metaphorically jump in that cold water and learn how to swim (while simultaneously avoiding hypothermia of the soul).

*Related to my move to Salt Lake, I should have found a place that wasn't in a basement with loud upstairs residents. They might not even be loud, the house just might be old. Still. We have different lifestyles and mine does not include techno music and having a furniture moving parties at three in the morning. At least I learned just how vital natural lighting and solitude are to my delicate (yet so effing strong!!!) soul.

I did and said a lot of other things I regret. There were many unfortunate events outside of my control as well. I wish I would have been more social. I wish I would have gone camping more. I wish I would have learned how to swim and to speak French. I wish I would have explored my spiritual side more. I wish I would have been kinder. I wish I would have been kinder. I wish I would have been kinder. It always comes back to kindness.

That bitching took up way more than the allotted 20 minutes. I guess I'll just leave on this bittersweet note and return with my sugary sweet and hopeful side. This year had it's groovy moments, I promise. I can't wait to remember them.

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