This is the time of the day when I feel the worst. So I will distract myself with yet another blog post. You can tell I have quite the social life, huh? HUH? Answer me!
As you may have gathered from previous posts, I have been having a bit of a struggle with where I am currently in life. I just feel... Stuck. A little unsatisfied, hungry for something more substantial. What is it that I need? Well, for starters it might be wise of me to not always desire to be someone else, somewhere else. Accepting myself and my current situation instead of always running away from me/it will allow me to have the compassion and patience that is needed to make any changes I may need to make. Does that make sense or am I just riding this caffeine high a little too high? ANSWER ME!
I apologize for all the demands. I am not a demanding person. Except towards myself. Gracious! I demand of myself so much that it's no wonder I am riddled with anxiety and guilt. Knock it off, sweet Meggie.
So it starts with cutting myself some slack.
And then after that it means getting down to business. I have to first ease up before I get down. Makes sense in its own confusing way.
The business which I must get down to (?) is figuring out what is most important to me. What do I, ultimately, want from my life? It's just dawning on me that I actually possess the ability to -- gasp -- make my own decisions. I can, for the most part, choose who I want to be and what I want out of life. That being said, I must also take responsibility for whatever happens. I'm willing to do that. It's about time I started taking responsibility for something.
What do I want? What do I want?
I want to be close to nature. I want to live a simple existence with blank canvases all around me. I want to be socially aware and ethically responsible. I want to be a creator forever and a listener always. I want to cook, share, eat, and enjoy good meals. I want to exercise for enjoyment, not punishment or insurance. I want to hold myself to higher standards in work and relationships. I want to have relationships, to give others -- and myself -- a chance. I want to garden. I want to hike and backpack and camp under the moon several times a year. I want to give up on the beauty myth and put my energy into my mind, my heart. I want to be gentle, to be strong, to touch the earth and its creatures with love.
UGH WHAT A HIPPIE.
Yeah, so what? I will carry and wave my freak flag wherever I may go. And may I carry and wave it with a full, compassionate heart.