will

Post Number Two! Here we go! Just brewed some very, very awful coffee, have my tray of ice cubes by my side, it's -- KNOCK ON WOOD -- quiet at my place, so... I'm ready.

Why am I writing? I've mentioned this before, but shouldn't my blog have some kind of a theme aside from "random thoughts and anxieties that pop up in my head and worry my mother and disappoint my employers and offend my exes." I need to grab a grammar book and review when to use "that" and when to use "which" and when to "not give a fuck." Language, man. It's what I live for and it's bound to kill me in the end.

So I'm gonna go ahead and stick with my weak blog "theme" and just give you my thoughts, okay? I am not offering any paleo diet tips or pictures of my weird children with weirder names. I won't show you how to throw a fabulous bridal shower and there's no way I'm reviewing movies/books/video games/restaurants/sexual partners. You have options, you know. You don't have to read this. You don't even have to put on pants, shower, wash your hair, or shave your armpits. I sure know I won't do any of those things. But I WILL do the following...

*I will start cooking my own food. How will I do this? By being a total goof and making each day a theme. Like, Meatless Monday, Taco Tuesday, Whiskey and Waffle Wednesday... Just joking about Wednesday. I don't even like waffles. (How about Whiskey and Wasabi Wednesday? Now you're talking. Except I'm the one talking. Now I'm talking. Now who's talking? Is it me or the coffee or the promise of whiskey on Hump Day?) (Am I still allowed to call it "Hump Day" if I am unemployed?)

*I will clean my own bathroom from now on. And often. I can do it. I'm an adult, I think. I changed a diaper-from-the-devil last night, so I think I can handle scrubbing a toilet occasionally.

*I will get over my fears of the dentist, the telephone, and the whole "dating" thing. I will give each of those three things a shot, but if I have even one remotely not-so-great experience with any of them, that's it! I'll give up forever!

*I will brush my teeth. Right now. I love brushing my teeth, actually. Even though I am afraid that they will fall out. But, like, there's more of a chance that they will fall out if I don't brush them, right? Tell me I'm crazy. Tell me I'm beautiful. Tell me I'm not allowed to drink anymore coffee today.

So I suppose I should end this second post and go brush my teeth... Only the ones I want to keep! I don't want my front teeth, but so help me god if I lose my canines. Okay. Okay. Catch you in a few hours.