Hi! It's been a very rough morning. No, wait. It's been a very rough week. Yesterday was okay, though. Yesterday was passable. Am I being a bit dramatic? Well, yes. Being dramatic is sort of my "thing." So is avoiding any and all uncomfortable situations. I won't get into too much detail, but this morning I was confronted with something that made me go, "Ohhhhh okay. Okay, so avoidance isn't the answer." And then I became sad and embarrassed and frustrated and all of those emotions that will really flavor the rest of the day. So. So it's another gray January day and I am 100% ready to call it quits and just crawl into bed for the next 24 hours or so.
But I won't. Because that would be falling back into the same trap -- avoiding the uncomfortable, the awkward, the inevitable. I avoid because it is a wonderful short term fix. It's marvelous, in fact! The best! Out of sight, out of mind! Brilliant! But the brilliance quickly fades and then... dammit. I am left to clean up a bunch of unnecessary messes, some of which are small and tedious, others which have far more significant consequences.
I need a few things as well. (Funny how I, as a human, need things! Whaddya know?) I must acknowledge these needs and then actively seek them out. Here's a short list:
*I need therapy.
*I need less stuff. Less junk, fewer clothes, fewer books (!!!), fewer knick knacks and trinkets and so on and so forth and PLEASE just take all of my belongings to Goodwill. I will be fine with a notebook and a flashlight, I swear.
*I need space for my thoughts and my body and my heart.
*I need to get out more, but not push myself to be an extrovert. Why is there so much pressure for introverts to become what they are not? Introverts have value, people. It's time we all appreciate what the quiet ones have to offer.
*I need to rest, to stop pushing myself physically.
*I need to learn "adult" things. No, not sexy adult things, but boring adult things. Like, taxes, not titties. I also need to take care of my own adult things, such as regularly checking my bank account, changing the oil in my car, paying bills on time.
*I need to really, really take care of my eating disorder. Just because I've been looking "healthier" recently does not necessarily mean I am cured and not struggling. In fact, I struggle the most with ED during these bleak days and rough transitions. I need to seek help before I fall into apathy and give up.
I have a lot to consider and a lot to confront. No more sticking my head in the sand. I have a life I want to create, one that is ruled by compassion, not fear. A life I can be proud of, a life lived in the open with my eyes always looking up to the sky, remembering, remembering.