capable

Hi everyone! How's your Saturday so far? Mine? Thanks for asking. Mine has been same old same old. You know, wake up, check my email (by "email" I mean "Instagram" and "Twitter" and there's no need for me to put those in quotations, I realize), do a load of wash, begin packing and cleaning for about five minutes before I become entirely overwhelmed by the monumental task ahead of me, put on a cute hat, take the trash out, walk up and down the street reading Chekhov, make some tea, do not drink it, chew on ice, write a scene for a novel you probably won't finish (BUT YOU NEVER KNOW!!!), blog. Think about work. Think about how, despite the fact that you no longer work at your work, someone from work may be obsessively reading your blog/tweets for a word that casts your former place of employment (and their current) in a negative light. But my problem isn't with the school. My problem was always with the people employed by the school. Definitely not all of the people. Of course not! Just the people who handle the paychecks and/or relay information concerning new hires and paychecks. BOOOORING. Point is, the school was cool, but people are imperfect. Who knew? Old water under the bridge, I say. I also say that sometimes there are trolls living under the bridge, trolls that... I have no idea where I'm going with this. I do know, however, that I am finished whining about work and all of the frustrating experiences that I experienced there. Turns out I also experienced a lot of rewarding things as well. And the kids. Sigh. They are special creatures with a place in my heart. They taught me a lot and I hope I taught them at least a little. That's the only thing that really matters, right? Right.

Long paragraph. Rambling. Surprised you read the entire thing, assuming you did. If you didn't, there is no blame placed upon your beautiful head. In fact, I say we all just stop blaming each other for one minute. Sixty seconds of living in a blame-free society. But when 61 seconds happens, blame away.

Remember those "powerful questions" I answered a few days ago? Should I ask/answer a few more? Should I keep asking you questions about what I should and should not do? Because I will?

Q: Do you find yourself influencing your world, or it influencing you?
Definitely the latter. I am far too affected by what happens around me. I absorb it all and then, mysteriously, abandon everything/everyone. I don't know why I do that. Defense mechanism. I observe and absorb because it is in my nature to do so. I justify my "nosiness" as nothing more than gathering notes for my novel. But once the going gets a little rough, I bail. What if I stuck around? What if I allowed less metaphorical bullets to penetrate me and instead shift my focus to giving back? And then comes the question of how do I give back? I suppose it doesn't have to be anything monumental. I could just be a less selfish, more compassionate human.

I don't think I understood the question, now that I reread it. I also don't think that allowing the world to influence you is inherently bad. In fact, it can be a wondrous and miraculous place if we know how to pay attention. I believe there is a balance that needs to be achieved; find inspiration in the world and then go do something with it. The end (but actually just the beginning).

I will only answer one question for now. Now I must remember the task ahead of me, the task which thankfully does not seem so all-consuming anymore. I can do this! Just put shit in boxes and mop a floor or whatever, right? Right! I got this! I am capable! I am influential! I am unemployed! Marry me, please!