declare

It's only 9:24 in the morning and I'm already ready for bed. NOT TRUE. I'm not ready for bed, but am I ready to "face the day"? I don't think I can ever answer a confident "YES!" to that question. But who can? Just delusional people. Or really brave warriors. I'm neither, except I'm probably the first one. Anyway.

I am taking today to clean clean clean and pack pack pack and repeat repeat repeat everything three times. Weird how I didn't repeat the word "three" three times, huh? Gotta keep people guessing. Gotta keep people confused. Gotta look at my phone because it keeps beeping and it is my master.

No! I will not check my phone. Not right now, at least. And since I'm declaring NO!, let me declare a few more NOs. Nose. Nobody knows my nose is so stuffed right now. Stuff it, nose. Get lost, nose. Come back when you get your life together, nose.

No: A declaration.

*No, I will not run today. Or walk for four hours. Or jump rope. Or do two-finger push-ups like Bruce Lee. No, I will rest. Rest! What a concept. Resting on what is known throughout Western civilization as the day of rest. Maybe it's even known as the day of rest throughout Eastern, Southern, and Northern civilization. On a related note, I don't think I quite understand what "civilizations" are.

*And by "rest" I mean I will still clean my entire "fuckin'" (sorry, mom) "apartment." So I'm not really resting, but I am taking a needed break from exercising. I know I have the most annoying problem in all of civilization: I exercise too much. Like, blah blah blah oh I'm soooo in shape poor me wah wah wah. (Turns out I'm not really that "in shape." If your body is breaking down and you ache all the time and you don't have a menstrual cycle, is that really "in shape"? Sometimes my heart beats too fast. Sometimes I don't produce red blood cells. Sometimes I want to rest and it appears to be the hardest thing in the world. WHY IS THAT.)

*No, I will not beat myself up for anything related to anything I've mentioned above. I will not beat myself up for not exercising, I will not beat myself up for being a compulsive exerciser, I will not beat myself up for not having my shit together, I will not beat myself up for too tight or too loose of pants. I will say, "Hello, sweet Meghan. I know how much you try. I know how much you struggle. I know how much you want to be that person who radiates compassion and calm. I know you are still a gentle person even though sometimes you let scary things turn you into a grump. I love you, sweet Meghan. Be kind, be kind, be kind."

*No, I will not say anything negative about work because what's the point.

*No, I will not dwell on my ex and his new locally famous girlfriend because what's the point who cares.

*No, I will not pick at the zit on my chin EVEN THOUGH this might be harder than not exercising.

I will be back. I will probably write at least six posts today in an attempt to distract myself from my anxieties and restlessness. Will it work? Should I stop trying to distract myself and instead face the uncomfortable aspects of life head-on? How do I not own a toaster oven? The answer to these questions and more coming up.