Hello, sun. It's interesting you show your face right as I am sitting down to write. Please disappear because I love you too much and cannot be with you right now. You are an obsession. I am trying to cut back on obsessions. I've been collecting obsessions since I was a kid and they are starting to take over every room of my mind. Gonna gradually let go of you, okay? It's not you, it's me. Actually, it's mostly you. But then again, I created you, so I guess it's both of us. Let's not place any blame; let's just part ways. It's time I start collecting something less emotionally debilitating. Rocks. And dolls' heads. And baseball cards from 1973.
I am being very serious about ditching my obsessions. My obsessions, my rigid routines, my set-in-stone schedule. My preconceived notions for how everything is supposed to go and how everyone is supposed to act. I don't have the slightest clue how to do this, so I'm going to experiment with faking it 'till I make it. I will pretend to be a far less anxious, far more go-with-the-flow babe and see if it sticks. Eventually it should, right? It's about changing habits, shifting perspectives, not getting carried away with the storyline in my head. Meditation/mindfulness is a great tool for this kinda stuff. It's a great tool for most things. Sitting down and not doing anything for an extended period of time is radical. I don't mean "not doing anything" as in watching television or looking up adorable sloth pictures online. Those still keep the mind distracted, moving away from whatever is happening now. No, I mean to sit down and be is so absurdly rare for so many these days that it might be worth a shot to experiment with it and see what happens.
But to be honest, I probably won't meditate tonight. I will collect words instead and unpack all of my poorly packed boxes and chase the sun for a half hour or so. I'll chew on ice, eat kimchi, watch the Democratic debates. Hell, I may even apply for a job at Home Depot. At least I'm aware that I'm trying my damnedest to distract myself from the ever-looming anxieties, yeah? Awareness is the first step.
See ya when we both reach enlightenment.