I am so angry these days. Every little thing irritates me, from a person coughing to a typo on Twitter. I feel disillusioned and uninterested. I feel frustrated and forgotten. I feel like I am quickly becoming an expert at constructing emotional walls. Construction Worker Meg. I deserve a hard hat and a cigarette break on top of a steel beam way up in the sky.
Maybe I will change my name to Sky. Maybe I will change my name to Sky and pretend I am a happy hippie who in no way has any hang ups over the way I was (or was not) raised. Maybe Sky will try to like her family and attempt to give romance a shot. Maybe Sky will stop shooting herself in the foot and sticking her head in the sand. Maybe Sky will remember her innate goodness. Maybe Sky won't be such a shithead.
Yeah. I'm not changing my name to Sky anytime soon. Too much work to replace my drivers license and social security card. Plus, I don't even really like the name Sky. But if I don't change my name, can I at least attempt to change my attitude? I am making myself miserable every single minute I am awake. I think I might just be a brat.
I have to learn to let down my guard. I can't keep up these superbly constructed walls. I need to somehow soften my heart once again and let people in. I want to like myself. I want to be able to look at myself in the eyes and not be ashamed or disappointed.
I am still not motivated, though. The only thing I seem to know how to do is wander. I walk and walk and walk around unfamiliar neighborhoods and past homes that are not my own. I am a stranger, the other, the odd girl with a permanent scowl on her face.
Again, I am probably just a brat. I probably just need to get over myself. Please, let me. And please, somehow stop me from closing myself off. Thank you for being out there and reading my mostly depressing words. It means more than you know.