We are all Russian dolls. Think about it.
I think about how it was to have a partner, to have someone there who would fill in the days and evenings, who would literally put bandages on self-inflicted wounds. I think about how that became normal, but how quickly it became a relief when it was over. I think about the moon and the mountain and how still both of them are, how unshakable.
I do not know if I am "meant" to be with any one particular human. Prove me wrong if you must, Universe. There is a whole host of reasons why I think I will end up alone, the biggest one being that maybe I'm just not... Interested? My time and energy is spent mostly within, constructing and creating. Ah. Ah, I could also just be immature and selfish. Yes, that is a very real and uncomfortable possibility. Maybe the best thing for me to do on this "spiritual journey" is learn to open up and share my life intimately with another. Maybe.
I trust that "I'll know" when it is right, when I am "supposed" to be with someone. But this may not be the case. I have been known to turn down and turn away from people who would have been good for me. Like, really good. And there's the problem -- "good FOR ME." I need to realize not everyone exists to serve me, to be supporting characters. They too have their deep wells, their hidden and majestic stories.
Timing. I guess that's what it is. I guess I have been so wrapped up within myself and those pesky, life-sucking neuroses that there would have been no way I could have a relationship. That makes sense. But as I grow older, I find myself growing calmer and quieter and more able to give of myself. I guess all I have to do is remain open and curious, and, yes, forgetful of the Self from time to time.
It's another beautiful day! I walked past a magnolia tree and the fragrance is sure to haunt my dreams tonight. Go outside and open up to the vast sky above. Love you.