Monday, June 8, 2015

ship

We are all Russian dolls. Think about it.

I think about how it was to have a partner, to have someone there who would fill in the days and evenings, who would literally put bandages on self-inflicted wounds. I think about how that became normal, but how quickly it became a relief when it was over. I think about the moon and the mountain and how still both of them are, how unshakable.

I do not know if I am "meant" to be with any one particular human. Prove me wrong if you must, Universe. There is a whole host of reasons why I think I will end up alone, the biggest one being that maybe I'm just not... Interested? My time and energy is spent mostly within, constructing and creating. Ah. Ah, I could also just be immature and selfish. Yes, that is a very real and uncomfortable possibility. Maybe the best thing for me to do on this "spiritual journey" is learn to open up and share my life intimately with another. Maybe.

I trust that "I'll know" when it is right, when I am "supposed" to be with someone. But this may not be the case. I have been known to turn down and turn away from people who would have been good for me. Like, really good. And there's the problem -- "good FOR ME." I need to realize not everyone exists to serve me, to be supporting characters. They too have their deep wells, their hidden and majestic stories.

Timing. I guess that's what it is. I guess I have been so wrapped up within myself and those pesky, life-sucking neuroses that there would have been no way I could have a relationship. That makes sense. But as I grow older, I find myself growing calmer and quieter and more able to give of myself. I guess all I have to do is remain open and curious, and, yes, forgetful of the Self from time to time.

It's another beautiful day! I walked past a magnolia tree and the fragrance is sure to haunt my dreams tonight. Go outside and open up to the vast sky above. Love you.

1 comment:

anne corr said...

-' forgetful of the Self' - there's the secret. Whether you find a partner for life, or live your life with others moving in and out of yours, if you find yourself you can celebrate. It never ends, that tidal motion of your needs, your needs to give; Yes, stay open, stay curious, and know when it's a storm, or when there's a wall of fog and cloud, it's temporary. I find myself more calm than in previous decades , still feeling the weather of life.