Riddle me this. Why am I such a grumpy sourpuss today? If even a BABY looked at me in a slightly odd way (and what baby doesn't give odd looks?) I would probably freak the freak out. I mean, the baby would be totally safe -- I would just rip my hair out and start bawling.
I already bawled twice today. And why? To be perfectly frank with you, Frank (and all of my other readers not named Frank), I can't really pinpoint what it was that had me in tears. Hysterical tears. Tears that were in no way delicate or adorable. Just full-on sobfest. Whaaaat happened? Whhhhy does this keep happening? I cannot seem to keep a steady, calm mind, try as I might. Might I not be really trying, though? Might I be procrastinating getting better? I know the steps to take to get myself out of this roller coaster hell, but I don't take them. Or I take them, but then I immediately run back onto the tracks and jump inside the runaway train. Maybe mental instability is familiar to me. And familiarity is comfortable. And being comfortable means you don't have to face any of the scary things in life, even if those scary things lead to a greater, more spacious and compassionate world.
I am so exhausted. I cannot stress that enough. I believe that a big portion of my "craziness" is due to physical exhaustion. I don't sleep, I push my body to it's limits, I can't sit still. But at the same time, I can't move. I can't move past trauma, self-doubt, self-hatred, hurt feelings, and bad habits. I am absolutely drowning in these things and, goshdarnit, I'm just trying to make it through the day.
It might be time for a wake up call (after a long nap, please). It might be time to discover a world outside of my head -- and that the world does not revolve around me. It might be time to cut my strings to certain people and attempt to save myself. It might be time for me to let go.
So let's go. Let's go to that better spot inside of ourselves, that place where we start to push away the clouds which have blocked our sun for who knows how long. Let's long for this place. Let's reach out, desperately and with determination, for a future that is full of wild wisdom. Let's not give up on ourselves just yet. Let's instead give up on our dark corners where we retreat when everything gets to be too much. There is too much wonderfulness out there, waiting for our attention and devotion. Let's go.