Tuesday, June 30, 2015


Sometimes you make weird choices. For example, today on my morning walk I decided to read Lolita. That is fine. But maybe if I choose to read Lolita, do not choose to walk around a park with a playground and tweens playing soccer. Luckily I am a whisper of a girl (kidding! I am a THUNDERSTORM! a TORNADO! a TUBE OF VIOLENTLY SPINNING AIR!) and do not seem suspicious in the least... WHICH means I would be a most excellent spy. How does one become a spy? I am pretty sure you just join the FBI and then pay attention to the bulletin board in the employee lounge. Like, spy opening! Apply by Friday! And I would apply. And they would take one look at my non-tornado appearance and hire me. Do I get a trench coat? Do I have to carry a potted plant with me in my purse? But most importantly, do I still get health benefits and a 401K? Kidding, I have NO CLUE what a 401K is. Four hundred and one thousand dollars? You get $401,000 if you are employed by a company that offers a 401K? Like, here's $401,000... IF YOU WANT IT. Huh. Yeah, that's definitely what a 401K is.

I really believe, in my heart of tornado hearts, that Laura and I need to write together. We have written together and the results have been awesome, but we are currently too far away to be any kind of productive or consistent. So does this mean I move to Long Beach? Because I would. If I had a job. If I had a 401K. I guess I could always be an idiot and move there first and then hope I find a job within 3 months. People do that often, right? And some of them survive, right? Then again, I have never ever wanted to live in Long Beach. And I am probably not a Long Beach kind of gal. I am more of a hey-I-own-a-dreamcatcher-store-in-Eugene kind of gal. Or maybe I own an unfinished wood furniture store along the Oregon Coast, which is actually just a front for my spy business. Look at me! Owning businesses! Giving NONE of my employees a 401K. No way, man. That 401K is going directly into MY bank account. But I will give my employees free popcorn in the break room. Oh, what's that? The popcorn machine is broken? Well, I heard there's a Burger King down the street. Go buy the entire office some Whoppers! But I'm taking it out of your paycheck.

So I didn't mean to mention 401Ks in this post as often as I have. Or at all. Funny how life surprises you, huh? You know what else surprises you? Tornadoes, purses large enough to contain potted plants, liking Lolita despite the fact that Humbert Humbert is, well, a super creep. These are surprises. These are the things we don't expect. They are hidden behind shower curtains and will jump out and yell BOO. Just turn on the water. Drown out the surprises. Live a life of utter predictability. Stay in your storm cellar. It's cool down here. We even have popcorn.

My posts will get less bizarre soon, I promise. Now get back to work! I'm the boss! I'm the CEO of the world!

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