flash

What has been on my mind lately? Well, aside from cats and burritos, I have been thinking a lot about how I desire to disappear, yet simultaneously I wish to be recognized for how awesome I am. Recognized, acknowledged, but never approached. Why is that? Is it too simple to say that I fear abandonment? Maybe. But maybe I do. Could that be the only explanation, though?

I believe being a writer, if I dare call myself one, has given me a superpower. No, I cannot fly or shoot lasers out of my eyes (yet), but I can contradict myself consistently. Then again, that's probably a human thing, not just a writer thing. I'm confusing myself and most likely you right now. My thoughts and words must still be asleep.

But I am awake! I am awake and wandering around this city park while pine cones fall on my head and I nearly run into tree branches. Okay, not nearly. I do. I do run into tree branches with surprising frequency. Not much surprises me, though. I've seen and heard it all, folks! Mostly because I am observing 100% of the time and participating 0%.

I'm ready, I think, to participate again. I will always be an observer who disappears from time to time for whatever necessary reason, but I trust myself to return like the tides and bring back treasures from my solitude. It's time for me to share with others. It's time for me to remember what it's like to interact and connect and be heartbroken. Yes, heartbroken. I want my heart to be open enough so that it can break into irreparable pieces.

I will still always wonder what it is exactly that makes me come and go with no warning, like a flash flood in a slot canyon. And that's okay. Wondering and self-reflection is okay, even if it does drive one straight to the nut house. I like nuts. Walnuts give you brain power. And I could always use a new superpower.

Stay happy today, sweethearts. Or if you are sad, know that you will not stay sad, isolated. Moods change like the weather. There is always a sun behind those storm clouds.