cycle

I am beginning to feel kinder. No! No, wait. Maybe not? Right after I wrote that, I called someone an asshole. Hilarious how human I am! But c'mon, most drivers in Orem ARE assholes. I'm just speaking the truth. And yes, I am writing this while walking. Walking seems to be the only time when my brain will function.

SO ANYWAY. Aside from my interactions with bad drivers, I am beginning to be a kinder, more patient person. That's not to say I don't fail over and over again. But fail better, you know? I seem to bounce back quicker from those dark moments. I am starting to pause, if even for half a second, before I react. And that half second can save me (and everyone else) a lot of grief.

My biggest hurdle in this quest for kindness is believing that I deserve kindness and then going ahead and giving myself that kindness. It is wildly easier to pamper and nurture others than it is to show even an iota of compassion for myself. Crummy, huh? I'm guessing this all ties back to the ego. Yes, disliking the Self is a trick of the ego. Anything involving a Self is a trick of the ego. The challenge is to forget the Self while simultaneously caring for the Self. Ah! Buddha! You've done it again, you holy holy holy totally relatable and human bastard.

There will always be assholes. There will always be moments of self-loathing followed by moments of self-destructive behavior. But there will also always be a way out. There is always a way out of this cyclical hell. In any moment we can wake up. In any moment we can begin again and relearn to love what is.