allergic

I have never written a blog post from my phone, yet here I am, composing one from the comfort of an uncomfortable park bench in what is unofficially a zoo for trees. The trees, however, are not in cages. The trees are free; it's you and I who are trapped in cages of our own making. I have made my cage out of bizarre and intricate rituals. I have made my cage out of turning away from people who might hold the key. Quite possibly I have made my cage out of a wet paper bag, but I do not have the courage to test the strength of these walls. I won't even touch them.

That is not 100% true. I have actually been damn good at breaking out of my soggy paper cages over these past couple of weeks. I should give myself more credit. I should give myself more time to reflect on how far I have come. Warrior Meg or something.

I am beginning to sneeze. This tree zoo may have been a mistake. To what am I allergic? I am allergic to success. I know that sounds like a punchline to the world's least funny joke, but this is no joke. I have begun to suspect that I purposely sabotage my chances at success. Why why why. Do I wish to remain small? And then I must ask myself why I wish to remain small. Why why why. It's a never ending maze of whys and self-doubt. My self-reflection turns into self-doubt quicker than it takes me to become annoyed with the lawn mowers that are constantly CONSTANTLY mowing the lawn which needs no mowing here in this tree zoo. And that is pretty damn quick.

I don't know what else to say. I am feeling the tiny feet of hopelessness begin to walk steadily up my back. Once they reach my head the feet will no longer be tiny. They will be clown-sized feet stuffed inside steel-toed combat boots. And they will stomp stomp stomp until I either give up or desperately reach out for help. The thing I fear the most, however, are not the weight of the hopelessness. The thing I fear more than anything else is reaching out to either a void or apathetic hands. I've experienced both and I do not wish to experience that ever again. Maybe I should just get used to the weight.

Well, this ended more negatively than expected. I am doing mostly okay on most days. There is a change headed my way and I don't know what it is and I don't know how to prepare. But I will be here to welcome it and, more importantly, learn from it.