senseless

It's time I find more things which inspire me. I feel like I was constantly being inspired when I was in my 20s. Was it just my age? Was it who I surrounded myself with? Was it simply that I had more exposure to creative material due to cool college classes? It is probably a mix of all three. I remember making zines and painting and creating little dolls out of clay. I remember cutting up magazines and rearranging the pictures into something pleasantly perverse. I remember writing poems compulsively on whatever I could find. I left messages of hope on slips of paper for strangers to find. And all of this was merely second nature. I did it because I could, because it felt good, because it woke me up. Now it all just sounds exhausting. And overwhelming.

I wonder if my hesitation comes from the fact that I think too much. I want whatever it is that I do to be perfect, the absolute best, or else I don't see the point in trying. I've abandoned the spontaneity that is crucial to creative work. I look at projects and my work through various filters instead of through the beginner's mind. Yes, you can look with your mind! You can also look with your ears and your nose and your fingers. I guess what I am trying to say is that maybe it's time for me to mix up my senses a bit. Get a little senseless. Let go of what is rigid before I break and never create again.

Where do I start? I don't think I should even ask that question. Just start. I need to give myself more gentle commands instead of paralyzing questions. More going, less stopping. More doing, less doubting. More paint underneath my fingernails, less biting of my fingernails due to fear. Fear, specifically the fear of messiness, kills the creative spirit. If I let loose, not only will I survive (for I am not separate from my creativity), but I will soar.