Tuesday, January 6, 2015

oh woe

Remember how I made a lot of resolutions to, like, learn shit? Sorry -- STUFF. I forget that my blog is PG. Psych! My blog is unrated. Uncut and uncensored! Unintelligible! Unimaginable! Under where? Underwear! But yeah, so I plan on learning a lot about science and spirituality and Spanish and other shit/stuff. Maybe I should make some more resolutions. Why not. Why not resolute my life away? I have been thinking and, well, here are my thoughts magically transformed into words (which are magically transformed into run-on sentences)...

I'm mean. No, I really am. I am such a grumpass to complete strangers and even to those who happen to be my best friends. Best friends! What a lousy BFF I must be sometimes. I have a feeling the sour puss side of me comes out when I am feeling very insecure and frustrated with myself. In fact, that's the only time it comes out. If I am at peace in my body and mind, I am almost too chipper. I am, like, "Here! Let me get the door for you, you wonderful creature of the Universe! And MY GOD! What beautiful eyes you have! It's as if I can see into your soul and your soul is pretty darn special and wow you are amazing incredible glorious mwah mwah mwah." That's who I am when I'm not at war with myself! Hmmm... Maybe being a grump would be a lot less obnoxious for everyone... But no! No, as tempting as it is to continue on the curmudgeon path, I must chart a new course! I must not let the small (and I mean miniscule) annoyances in life turn me into a person I'd never want to meet walking down a dark alley. In fact, I don't even want to be walking down a dark alley. Why am I down an alley in the first place? I should be up at the top of a peak, sitting in the lotus position and radiating loving-kindness.

So here's where the work comes in. If I want to get to the point where I am that groovy weirdo with an attractive aura, I have to begin cutting myself some slack. I have to begin to open the door for myself, so to speak. I keep shutting myself off from everyone and everything because, sadly, I don't feel like I deserve whatever good things they/it have to offer. I tell myself that I haven't "worked hard enough" for any kind of reward. I haven't paid the price yet or maybe I deny and restrict as a form of self-punishment. But do I ever forgive myself? Rarely. It's a dismal way to live, isn't it? At least I'm beginning to realize how much of an armpit I am to myself.

I don't quite know where to start on this, uh, journey to self-compassion, though. Ideas? Suggestions? Has anything worked for you? Hey, look! I'm reaching out. I'm actually asking questions to my reader(s). I haven't been the best at responding to comments, but I do read and appreciate them all. Except for the mean comments. I'm already mean enough to myself that I don't need anymore anonymous bozos to help me out with feeling gloomy. Anyway, thank you for reading what I post. I am humbled.

1 comment:

Josh said...

Start with gratitude; "We hold the key to lasting happiness in our own hands. For it is not joy that makes us grateful; it is gratitude that makes us joyful.“ -BrenĂ© Brown

Watch the first couple episodes of Cosmos, there's something about realizing how completely insignificant we are that makes it much easier to shrug off and forgive ourselves for the relatively meaningless.