oh woe

Remember how I made a lot of resolutions to, like, learn shit? Sorry -- STUFF. I forget that my blog is PG. Psych! My blog is unrated. Uncut and uncensored! Unintelligible! Unimaginable! Under where? Underwear! But yeah, so I plan on learning a lot about science and spirituality and Spanish and other shit/stuff. Maybe I should make some more resolutions. Why not. Why not resolute my life away? I have been thinking and, well, here are my thoughts magically transformed into words (which are magically transformed into run-on sentences)...

I'm mean. No, I really am. I am such a grumpass to complete strangers and even to those who happen to be my best friends. Best friends! What a lousy BFF I must be sometimes. I have a feeling the sour puss side of me comes out when I am feeling very insecure and frustrated with myself. In fact, that's the only time it comes out. If I am at peace in my body and mind, I am almost too chipper. I am, like, "Here! Let me get the door for you, you wonderful creature of the Universe! And MY GOD! What beautiful eyes you have! It's as if I can see into your soul and your soul is pretty darn special and wow you are amazing incredible glorious mwah mwah mwah." That's who I am when I'm not at war with myself! Hmmm... Maybe being a grump would be a lot less obnoxious for everyone... But no! No, as tempting as it is to continue on the curmudgeon path, I must chart a new course! I must not let the small (and I mean miniscule) annoyances in life turn me into a person I'd never want to meet walking down a dark alley. In fact, I don't even want to be walking down a dark alley. Why am I down an alley in the first place? I should be up at the top of a peak, sitting in the lotus position and radiating loving-kindness.

So here's where the work comes in. If I want to get to the point where I am that groovy weirdo with an attractive aura, I have to begin cutting myself some slack. I have to begin to open the door for myself, so to speak. I keep shutting myself off from everyone and everything because, sadly, I don't feel like I deserve whatever good things they/it have to offer. I tell myself that I haven't "worked hard enough" for any kind of reward. I haven't paid the price yet or maybe I deny and restrict as a form of self-punishment. But do I ever forgive myself? Rarely. It's a dismal way to live, isn't it? At least I'm beginning to realize how much of an armpit I am to myself.

I don't quite know where to start on this, uh, journey to self-compassion, though. Ideas? Suggestions? Has anything worked for you? Hey, look! I'm reaching out. I'm actually asking questions to my reader(s). I haven't been the best at responding to comments, but I do read and appreciate them all. Except for the mean comments. I'm already mean enough to myself that I don't need anymore anonymous bozos to help me out with feeling gloomy. Anyway, thank you for reading what I post. I am humbled.