pause

I am about to purchase my first pair of penny loafers. It feels like my gateway into adulthood. I use the word "feel" a lot, now don't I? And I ask a lot of questions. And I begin a lot of sentences with "and." And have I already mentioned these things to you before? Who are you, by the way? I sometimes want to know who my faithful readers are, but at the same time I feel (feel!!!) that if I knew, I would become self-conscious in my writing and begin to censor myself. Not that I think you need to read censored writing. No fucking way! (Sorry, mom.) I know you can handle it. All of it.

And, it being the odd day that it is, I too can handle all of it. Or at least a majority of it. And what is "it" exactly? Well, it's the penny loafers and the entering into adulthood. It's the fishing the toilet paper roll out of the bowl and laughing about it. It's the dusting off of the Crock-Pot and cooking some hot meals for myself for once. It's the doctor's appointments and the depositing of checks and the sprucing up my resume and cover letter so I can get on with my life and afford to support myself and possibly a small tabby cat. No, not a tabby. I want a black cat with green eyes who occasionally struts around the house in a bonnet.

I guess I'm just feeling kind of stable and brave today. Like things aren't that big of a deal. Or if they are a big deal, they are still manageable, just more work. It's not a big deal that some things are a big deal. What's happening to me?

Again, it could be that I am simply sleepwalking today. The fuzziness of exhaustion gives everything a bit of a warm glow. Or is this spring fever? Nice weather always helps. And Sundays. Sundays always help. They are a quiet, welcome relief after the shit storm that is Saturday. I have also been actively attempting that whole "live in the present moment" thing people swear by. Turns out there's actually something to it. I don't know what it is. I don't know if it matters right now if I can pinpoint the cause of this okay-ness. Maybe it would be wise for me to enjoy being in this space. Shush my mind and just be for once. Me and my practical penny loafers, at one with the universe. Sounds about right.