reservoir

Hi everyone! I want to write! I really like writing right before work because I feel like I can -- and it's the only time I can -- so here I go! Time to write! But oh my oh my, I don't know what to say. That must be a lie, right? I probably have a lot to say. A LOT. Too much, in fact, which makes me feel overwhelmed and directionless. What questions do I ask myself in order to get closer to what is essential for me? In other words, how do I find that one critical story sitting inside of my soul/heart/brain/toes just waiting and waiting and waiting for me to let it out? I'm sure I know what it is already, but I am apprehensive about admitting it. Because once I admit it, the dam breaks and I have to learn how to swim. It'll be quite the ride, but right now I'm comfortable being dry. But nothing grows on this barren land. There's gold in the water, an embarrassment of riches.

It might be found in my pain. That was a cheesy thing to type, but it's true! My story might be found in the various disorders I've housed comfortably throughout my life. The secrets I've kept in order to keep the wound open. The struggles and small triumphs and massive setbacks. The diary pages! The lost loves! The oops I really should have not done thats! The long nights full of every thought and everything to numb those thoughts. The days short and distracting. Flights of fancy and fancy flights to various locations with various men. Yes yes, I know what the story is.

So will the cover of this sappy memoir have a butterfly on it? Like, it can be a stock photo of beautiful peachy hands releasing a vibrantly hued butterfly. Or maybe I'll just go with a butterfly resting on a daisy. That one would be easy enough. I could get a little edgy with the font, however. The font will make the reader think, "Hmmm. This is going to be an edgy book!" And the stock photo of the butterfly will make the reader think, "Sure, it will be edgy, but it will also be about a radical transformation! For the better! Hopeful! Inspiring! Delicate, yet strong!"

I'll worry about the stupid cover and stupid font later. Or I'll let someone else worry about that. What I want to concern myself with now is how to blow up this dam and how to muster up the courage to dive in headfirst. I've got to submerge at some point in order to get the gold.