becoming

Halfway through January we start realizing all of those resolutions we made might not be kept. In fact, we've probably broken most of them by now. We've smoked that cigarette, eaten that dessert, skipped the gym four mornings in a row. Whatever it may be, we've most likely already stumbled a few times and have become discouraged. Or maybe not. Maybe you are one of the obnoxious few who have their life totally under control. How do you do it?! And why must you make the rest of us mortals look so foolish? Come on. Give into your vices. Everyone else is doing it.

I suppose this is why the really smart ones don't make resolutions in the first place. They don't care to set themselves up for failure. Am I being a complete pessimist right now? Or just realistic? Perhaps a healthy mix of both pessimism and realism washed down with a swig of self-loathing. Ah! No! No more self-loathing. For the love of whichever deity you subscribe to, no more self-loathing. Please.

But maybe I can be a fool again. Maybe I can make January 15 my new New Year's Day. I want to start over. And I guess we are able to do that in each moment, right? Like, that's what those self-help gurus tell me. In every moment we die and are reborn. So I will take that piece of information (sage advice?) and go with it. I am going to begin again and this time I want to begin to be, well, nicer. Yep, nicer to myself. I know that's ultimately the wisest place to begin. I also want to actively serve others instead of immediately seeing them as a threat/enemy/annoyance/hindrance. What a crappy way to live, thinking that everyone is against you or an impediment to your happiness. Crappy and super false. People are not inherently awful. We's alls just-a sufferin', man. We's alls just-a tryin' to be happy the best way we's know how. Oh boy. I'm tired.

I don't quite know how I'll go about being nicer. Maybe, uh, just by being nicer? You know, trying harder? Maybe I need a plan. Ugh, resolutions are a lot of work, huh? It actually takes effort! Hey! Who would have guessed? Things worth doing might actually require a little bit of sweat! Well, fine. I'll start small. I will pause before I speak or think negatively. I will go out of my way to open doors for people (already do that), let the person behind me go in front of me at the grocery store (unless they have, like, a billion items), give that car the parking space (well, not if it's snowing), give a gift just because (but not if the receiver is an asswipe).

Okay, so I still have some work to do on my perspective. But the good thing is is that I am making the effort? At least for now? I might need a new new New Year's Day on January 16. But that's perfectly fine. I forgive -- and love -- my future self. Hell, I even kind of like my present self. This is progress.