I called in sick today to work. I don't have the swine flu (as far as I know) or the case of the Mondays (because it's Wednesday), but I do have depression and anxiety. I forget that those are also illnesses, both being very real illnesses which demand attention and care. Too often we believe that we should just "suck it up" and go about our daily business as if nothing is wrong, as if the tidal wave of overwhelmingness won't knock us out and sweep us away at any moment. But it eventually will if we don't take care of ourselves because something is wrong -- and there is no shame in admitting that something is wrong. There is no shame in just waving that little white flag and going back into your bed under a blanket until you feel ready to meet the world. There is no shame in letting go, in telling yourself and whomever else that today and maybe even tomorrow you just can't. And when you can, when you finally can, you will thank yourself for knowing your limits. There is no shame in "not being enough." And there is no shame in asking for help.
I still have a difficult time asking for help. I believe most of it stems from me not wanting to be a bother to anyone else. I don't know if it has to do with embarrassment. I mean, I doubt I would write publicly on the Internet about my struggles if I was embarrassed. I wish to have an open dialogue about mental illness and I no longer want it to be a taboo subject. That being said, I want to be the one who helps, not the one who needs help. I want to be the therapist, not the patient. And maybe one day I will get to that point -- and that will be a wonderful day! Dr. Meg! I'll have a framed diploma and everything! Business cards! A potted plant and leather couch and giant oak desk in my VERY OWN OFFICE! But I can't get to that point if I haven't made it a point to get myself "fixed" first.
I am not necessarily asking you readers at this moment for help. Or am I? I am not sure what I am asking or if I am even asking anything. I guess this blog is mostly just my diary. So there you have it. You have the key to unlock my diary! And the key is just typing in the web address. You don't even have to look under my mattress. Dear diary, I need help. I need to seek help outside of books, although books are glorious and will most definitely help as much as they can. But living and breathing (you know, as opposed to dead and breathing) creatures such as humans and dogs can also help. They will be crucial on my road to recovery, my path to peace, my highway to hope, my freeway to freedom, my parkway to paradise, my, uh... avenue to awesomeness??? You get the point. So to continue this road theme I have going on, let me hop into my hybrid car and start the long drive. I may need to stop and recharge every 90 miles or so (is that how hybrid cars work? never mind). I may need to open up the windows and get some fresh, smoggy air. I will definitely need to stop for some overpriced snacks and for Selfies taken at various roadside attractions. And occasionally I may need to call AAA. And that's okay. All of it's okay. The important thing is that I start the car. Let's go.