I want to write, but I want to be outside. I want to be outside, but I want to write. I want to write and be outside, but I want to be inside getting things DONE so I can go to bed knowing I actually accomplished something. Can I accomplish things outside? I can, sure. And that is one of my long term goals: To have an outdoors career, preferably one having to do with permaculture and/or telling ghost stories to gullible campers.
What to write, what to write... What to do, what to do... What to say, what to wear, what to love, what to give, what to take, what to break, what to mend. These are questions, although they often lack the appropriate punctuation. Maybe they don't end with a question mark because they don't necessarily end. They are almost chants, words I repeat over and over internally, hoping one day it will lead me to the answers. Or at least one answer. Give me one answer and I'll build off of it.
But for now I will continue to question and continue to practice patience. I don't live in ambiguity particularly well, but I am learning. I have to learn or else I will drown. I think I prefer to swim or at least float.
Sundays! Aren't Sundays great? I used to dread them when I was employed, but now that I am a good-for-nothin' bum, Sundays are terrific! A+! Every day is a Saturday! (I am not really a good-for-nothin' bum. I do this thing called "joking," but I should also do this thing called "practicing positive self-talk." Shoulda woulda coulda.) What do people who aren't chronically fighting their inner critic do on Sundays? Do they relax? Do they go up the canyon with their bike/dog/Nalgene bottle littered with Kokopelli and Patagonia stickers? Do they just do whatever the hell they want? Yeah, probably. What a life! To be mindful and flexible and nurturing towards yourself! I might have to give that a shot. See what it's like for myself.
I bet it's a relief. I bet living a life not ruled by the "need" to be and do a million and three things is a giant freakin' relief. How do I do that? How do I shut up that mean voice and just, you know, do what I wanna do? I think it takes directly challenging the voice here and there. Be a rebel. Do the complete opposite of what the voice commands and do it often. Soon it will become obvious that the world does not end when you disobey. The world, in fact, opens up. Things are cool again and you are hot because self-love looks amazing on you.
Disobey today, sweeties. It's the least and most you can do.