Friday, April 29, 2016


Hi! I'm back. I was only gone for a few days, but boy oh boy, in those few days I saw and experienced some things no woman, man, child, or exceptionally intelligent dolphin should ever have to see or experience. But they should write about it. That doesn't make sense and it is also not true. I did not see or experience anything remotely fascinating, horrifying, awe-inspiring, or transcendent over the past 48 hours or so. EXCEPT... Except I did see not one, not two, not even three, but four -- FOUR -- hawks flying around above my head in an empty park. An almost empty park. There was some man in black doing jumping jack under a pavilion and an older woman in neon orange sneakers speed walking, but other than those two possible figments of my imagination, the park was reserved for just me and my hawks. Yep, just me and my hawks, livin' life out on the open range, whittling knives with knives, whistling slowly, quietly, and mysteriously for hours on end. Yes, the life of a hawk family in the 21st century. What a world. What a lonely, desolate world.

So I have not a lot to report other than Spiritual Hawk Moment. My eating has been meh. The thrill of getting a second chance after a very very very boring (and expensive) ER visit has worn off and the reality of recovery is setting in. The reality = gaining weight, feeling bloated all the time, being constipated or having diarrhea, dealing with emotions that have been starved for, well, decades. That's a long time. That's a long time to be disconnected from both your body and your soul. Hmmm. So what was I exactly for those 20 or so years? A wandering, unknowingly hungry skin bag? Sounds about right.

But recovery is still my goal. I am not giving up, I am just not exactly on cloud 9 anymore. I'd say I'm more on a cloud 4 or something. Clouds. Clouds clouds clouds clouds. Now I am distracted by the thought of clouds and how incredible they look right now (and all of the time). I guess you could say that clouds have clouded my mind and opened my heart and have, not surprisingly, made me antsy to get outside and wander. But this time around I'm not a wandering, unknowingly hungry skin bag. I may still be a little unknowingly hungry, but at least there's a soul to stuff inside that skin bag -- and the skin is no longer purplish, ashen, cold. I feel more vibrant, balanced, whole -- and those things alone are worth all the temporary digestion problems. Plus, there's always Pepto and prune juice.

I may share too much. Oh well. <3

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