look

I feel like I have to write today or else I may never write again. That's not true. But that's what it feels like. Sometimes feelings are not true. And most of the time feelings are difficult to explain and can be highly irrational. But feelings should still be felt, I do believe. I feel like we need to feel our feelings. This entire paragraph makes me want to brush my teeth -- it's just a feeling I have. It'll pass. (I'm still going to brush my teeth, though. Maybe even floss if I have the energy, motivation, drive.)

I don't really know what I want to write anymore. Each day goes by kinda fast and they all kinda blend into one long day and I kinda just go through everything on autopilot. But something in me wanted to write today. I take that as a good sign. I take that as maybe I'm waking up from a longer-than-expected depressive episode? I mean, I even returned my very overdue items to the library today. Well, my mom did. Thanks, mom. And those items were CDs. I'm having a hard time reading and finishing books. And the CDs? I don't even want to listen to music anymore. MAAAN I sound so gloomy. I'm not. Okay, maybe I am. I have my moments where I am cheery, though. I do.

Here's the thing: I am told I am a writer. I say I am a writer. Do I want to write? Not particularly. Do I feel "compelled" to write? No. Do I feel like I can do anything else? Not really. Do I want to do something else? Yeah, kinda. What is that something else? I am still trying to find the answer to that question -- but at least I am asking myself that question. I didn't even know that question existed up until a couple of months ago. It is a super serious question that demands attention and time -- and I have never been more ready to give it that attention, to devote that time to figuring out the answer. And it will be my answer.

I think the answer is "be out in nature."

But I'll still search a bit longer.