crave

You do not wanna know where these peas have been, sir. (They've been on my bare butt on and off for almost two weeks.)

Anyway, good morning! Frozen peas and green beans are comfortably in place and I am READY TO WRITE!!!

Things I will write about right now:

*I saw a magazine called Alive! I appreciate their enthusiasm, but is it anxiety disguised as enthusiasm? At least it appears to be more upbeat than the magazine Living Without, which is all about allergies. I think. I think a lot of things. And these thoughts about magazines that ultimately don't matter at all have been some of my first thoughts of the day. First thought, not necessarily best thought. Sorry, William Blake/Allen Ginsberg.

*In less than a week I will be working on a dude ranch in Wyoming. THAT'S RIGHT. Have I mentioned this yet? I don't think I have. Well, I don't have too much to tell you right now because I don't really know much about what's going to happen. I do know that I have to have work gloves, goggles, and an exquisite ball gown. One of those three things is a joke. And that thing was the goggles. Goggles decidedly clash with ball gowns.

*Is it normal to wake up in a panic about your health/what could go wrong/what is already wrong and fall asleep in an almost mirror image panic? The in between parts (you know, the daytime) are when you pull every trick out of your hat in order to not think about all of your potentially real and absolutely imagined fears. Or at least this is how it is for me. Every. Single. Day. Am I alone in this? Or am I completely normal?

*We all crave identities, right? From a Buddhist perspective, there are many problematic aspects to this. But I'm not looking at it from a Buddhist perspective right now. I'm looking at it from the perspective of someone who totally wants a solid, healthy identity. The Chick with Anorexia is a solid identity, sure, but hahahaha it ain't so healthy. Oh my, that was hilarious. Whenever I'm in full blown recovery, I become drawn to about 1,000 identities in an almost frantic attempt to replace ED. Many with eating disorders will turn to veganism during recovery (or before), which makes sense. It's another way to control what you eat, but one that is obviously much more positive than anorexia/bulimia. And I think it's fine, for the time being. I think as long as the patient is eating, right? But ultimately I'd like to see ALL OF US HUMANS give up the desire to be in control of... anything. Okay, maybe we should be in control of our emotions and reactions, but letting go of the inflexible self-imposed rules might be the ultimate goal for a lot of us. US HUMANS.

Alright, dears, the frozen vegetables have transformed, through the magic of science, into soggy vegetables. I take this as my cue to get my sore ass off the chair and start doing adult-like things, such as paying my insurance bill and checking my Twitter feed. Oh, and shop for a ball gown. Obviously.