Saturday, May 21, 2016


What happens when you no longer dream? I think it just means that you'll be tired. You aren't diving deep enough into sleep. You are constantly being interrupted or kept awake for who knows what reason. It's usually due to your thoughts, the thoughts you've pushed aside during the day because, well, they aren't entirely pleasant thoughts. Luckily I don't have a problem with falling asleep, but it must be my bladder's mission to prevent dreams from happening. Why, bladder, why? Could it be the 64 ounces of water I drink before bed? Sure, that's one explanation. Okay, that's probably the only explanation. DumDum MegMeg. But last night! Last night I finally had vivid, complex dreams. I still woke up to pee at least three times, but no more than five, so I consider that a SUCCESS. I guess slight dehydration has its perks.

No one wants to hear about somebody else's dreams, so you are OFF THE HOOK. Plus, as each minute passes, my dream(s) dissipate. I also can't spend too long typing/writing/whatever I'm currently doing because it is SATURDAY and I am going to GET SHIT DONE.

It is day three off of the gym -- again, suuuper hard and suuuper annoying that it is suuuper hard. When I pause for one suuuper short second, I realize how much I don't want to be the person whose entire mind is taken up with anxiety over something as trivial as a workout. Yep, physical fitness is grand and important -- and guess what? I'll always be moving, if I am so blessed, simply because that's in my nature. I like being active -- but I do not like being active as a punishment. And that's exactly what I've made exercise out to be for me -- punishment. Or repentance. Definitely not out of love.

I have noticed that I approach many situations and relationships with fear in my pocket rather than love. Fear serves it's purpose to keep us out of danger, sure, but this kind of fear I'm talking about is a fear that stunts any kind of growth. It leaves me emotionally bankrupt. Love, on the other hand, is plentiful. I will never be without if I am with love. It is so, so simple. So why don't I discard the fear and fill my pockets (and heart and mind and actions and words) with love?

Can I be lazy and just end this with, "It's a journey!" Sure I can because it's true. It is a journey, this whole figuring-out-life thing. In order to continue on the journey, I must be willing to be vulnerable. Vulnerability will lead to action -- and when that action is done with awareness, it will lead me to love. Love will always be the reward of careful attention. Keep your chin up, kid. You got this.

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