wake

You know what's been fun lately? To eat food. And to not be a bitch. And to feel 1,000,000% less restless. Well, for the most part. I'll probably always be restless. It's just in my bones. The restlessness tends to cease, however, when I'm -- YOU GUESSED IT -- outside. How'd you know that? Oh, only because I mention it in every single post.

I also mention my eating disorder in every single post. Or a least I have been lately. It might become redundant, but I hope it can also be helpful for others. I know it is for me. (I REALLY hope it isn't triggering for anyone. If it is, please please please let me know. And stop reading it right now. I'm serious. And I love you! I'm sorry!)

I feel as though I have been asleep for well over 31 years. Wait! I'm only 31! Or am I? Sometimes I feel like I'm 99, other times I feel like I'm a baby. I currently feel like I'm a baby. A mature, wise baby, but a baby nonetheless. A baby because I am just now discovering, well, discovering the world for what feels like the first time. The trees are new, the sky is new, the food -- all food -- is new. How did I miss these things before? And for so long? Music, by the way, is absolutely magical. Van Morrison made me cry yesterday. So did Paul Simon. Hell, a cloud made me cry yesterday. All of these tears are grateful tears. All of these tears mean I'm not a robot anymore because water = short circuiting and I did not, thankfully, short circuit yesterday.

So that was yesterday. What about today? Well, today is windy. And good again. I'm more tired today for whatever reason, but I am learning to be okay with that. I don't have to overstimulate myself in order to have a nice day. In fact, overstimulation usually means I'll have a panic-attack-holy-hell-help-me kind of a day. I don't want those days anymore. I want to let my body and mind be whatever my body and mind naturally are. I want to let go of trying to control every last second of each day. I want to shrug my shoulders and say "oh well" as often as I need to while not fretting over this or that or wishing for everything to be opposite of what it is. I want to simply be, mothereffers. Just be, just do it, just slam that Rockstar and snort that line of coke. JOKE! Coke is a joke, no bueno. Unless you're in Vegas. But then again, if you do coke in Vegas you will miss out on the buffets. And I no longer want to miss out on any buffets.

Alright, well, lunch. Now! Or soon. Sooner rather than later. Starving myself has lost it's appeal. For the most part. I want to, you know, live. And to live I must partake in life. And food is life. And and and forever.

Take care. I mean it.