Monday, April 4, 2016


I have elevator music stuck in my head because for the past six hours or whatever I was trapped in my building's elevator with my girlfriend Patricia, the doorman, my neighbor, and her little yappy dog. Ohhhh waaait a second. Turns out I'm NOT Tom Hanks' character in You've Got Mail. I've been fooling everybody for the past 18 years. YES, EIGHTEEN YEARS. We are all old as fudge. Not that fudge is old... Or is it? A quick history of fudge: It began in Baltimore in 1886 and has something to do with Vassar College and zzzzz. Okay, so I guess fudge is old. We are 130 years old.

Oh yeah, so that elevator music. I have it stuck in my head because I made a VERY IMPORTANT PHONE CALL and was placed on hold. Hold = elevator music. Phone call = I metaphorically grew a pair of balls and called the angelic female doc I saw last year and made an appointment to see her again. She took such good care of me! She actually listened! She was concerned! She ran a lot of tests and even gave me a snack! I suspect my anemia has gotten fairly awful, so I'd like to get it taken care of. I can't ignore it anymore. Even if I tried, my body wouldn't let me forget. I'm proud of myself! Next appointment to grow balls and make: the dentist. NOoooooOoOoOooO.

Again, I am proud of myself. I am beginning to take a serious interest in regaining and maintaining my health. It's about time, right? Right. You are correct. I almost wanted to write a quick jab jab about my ex, who has unfortunately been making appearances in my recent dreams, but what's the point? Why focus on people who do nothing but immediately raise my blood pressure? It isn't worth what little energy I have. And why stew in negative emotions? I am better than that. And I have better things to do, such as recovering from various ailments and figuring out a way to escape this elevator.

It is a beautiful day. What a simple statement, one which has probably been uttered by hundreds of thousands of people during their morning small talk sessions around the water cooler/coffee maker/cotton candy machine. Imagine offices having cotton candy machines. You know damn well Google has at least one cotton candy machine. Anyway, I just speak the truth -- it IS a beautiful day. And I will not let myself get carried away by my own destructive storylines that play over and over and over in my head. I will step outside -- outside of the house and outside of my head -- and take it all in. I will do nice things for others. I will appreciate the minuscule as well as the enormity of the sky. I will remember and bring forth that wild woman waiting not-very-patiently to howl. I will even consider eating fudge. What a day.


Heidi said...

I've had J-Lo's "Booty" stuck in my head for days. I think being stuck in an elevator with you for six hours would be one hell of an adventure.

meg said...

Let's get stuck in an elevator together soon! I need an adventure!