Okay okay okay, focus. My mind is elsewhere at the moment. I have a doctor's appointment in an hour and I reeeeally don't want to go. But then in about two minutes I will want to go. And then in two minutes after that I won't want to go. Back and forth and back and forth until it is time to, well, go. And will I go? I will. Will I want to go? Well, who knows. Should I go? Probably.
I am beginning to decipher the difference between wants and needs, specifically when it comes to food and exercise and everything else wrapped up in the tangled mess of ED. I want to throw out the words "balance" and "mindfulness" and so, uh, I will. Balance! Mindfulness! Because that's honestly what it comes down to. I have lived in the extremes my entire life. I have lived in the fictional past and future my entire life. I have done the opposite of balance and mindfulness my entire life. In other words, I have actively gone against my intuition and where has it gotten me? Wrapped up so tightly in that tangled mess, leaving me without a way out.
Or so I thought. But there is a way out. There is always a way out of our self-imposed prisons. And the key to our freedom comes in the form of awareness, recognition, acceptance, release. We have to be willing to let go of our need to control -- our need to control others, the environment, the situation, the process, the outcome. It's ridiculous to expect that we can ever control any of those things. And it's ridiculous how much of a relief it is when we realize this and finally -- finally -- let go.
I am letting go by letting myself eat. I am letting go by letting myself nourish my body, to explore the world outside my head, to break my rigid schedule, to be a participant rather than the eternal observer. I am letting go in order to go forward. I am letting go in order to let myself live. I am letting go because I deserve to.
I love you. And I am learning that I love me, too. I have all along -- I just had to listen more.
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