still

I should repeat this often: I need to be more compassionate with myself. I need to have more patience. I need to forgive myself, stop the cycle of shame, move past fear. But how exactly do I do all of these things? Can the answer be found in a $0.99 app? Well, I have no more room on my phone to get an app, so there's gotta be another solution. I know there's loving-kindness meditation -- and I remember a friend of mine suggesting I do that meditation for myself. Okay, that's a start. And now all I have to do is actually start. I put a lot of things on my to do list, but very rarely do I take that pen and cross things off the list. Another idea is to make a shorter to do list... Don't overwhelm yourself, Meg. Start with one thing, do it, cross it off. Easier said than done, but once it's done it will get easier.

Yesterday I was a maaaaajor pain in the ass. Just a big old monster. My sour attitude can be traced directly back to the fact that I was angry at myself for this and for that. I was also anxious, more so than usual, about my physical health. Any angry outbursts or snappy remarks are usually just anxieties in disguise. But do I solve anything by being so miserable? Not a chance. I simply create more problems.

Today I will be kinder. I will start with kindness towards myself, whatever that means (I'll figure it out), and then fingers crossed that kindness will naturally expand to others. I will stop assuming the worst about people I do not know (and people I do know). I will end the storyline in my mind that does nothing but create drama and doubt. It's fictional anyway, not the truth. And I will look for the truth. I will find it in the quiet moments when my thoughts aren't running away or muddied by negativity. I will find it in the daffodils that are eager to bloom, but are still content to just be. I will find it in the stillness of the tall tree where the red-tailed hawk has built his nest, patiently. I will find it within me because it was there all along.