Remember how I excited I was yesterday about today? I probably shouldn't have spoken so soon. NOT saying that I'm not excited about Sunday Funday (note: this is the first and last time I've said the words "Sunday Funday"), but I sure set up some high expectations for today. Somewhere along the way it will sink in that expectations are no bueno. Right? I mean, I guess there are certain circumstances where expectations assist in, uh, achieving goals or maintaining values or whatever. But expecting something or someone to be one way or another is too rigid, too narrow. There has to be flexibility and comfort with the unknown in life. There has to be the willingness to let go of control -- the willingness and the actual doing-ness.
So no control. No expectations. Just take things moment by moment by moment. (Are moments mere fiction? Because once the moment arrives, it has already left. Smoke a joint and then reread that last sentence.)
Will I have a PB&J today as planned? There's no way to know! Plans change! And so do outfits! Or at least they should, occasionally. I keep wearing the same damn outfit day in and day out. The only thing that changes is my jacket and top hat. Okay, I don't wear a top hat, but I might start. Sometimes I miss the Meg who wore WaCkY colored tights and thrifted cheerleader skirts. I miss the Meg who had funky (yes, funky), alternative hairstyles and bright pink or deep red lipstick. Then again, I like au naturel Meg as well, even though sometimes she felt a little too... sloppy. I am just typing junk right now. I don't know where I'm going with this. Something to do with outfits. Something to do with insecurity. Something to do with a lack of identity. Something to do with the search for serenity. Serenity is a blah word to me -- I mean, I dig the state of being serene, but let's find a new word for it.
I wish I felt like writing/typing/rambling more right now, but I don't. And oh well. Oh well to a lot of things, but not in an apathetic way. I use the word "but" often, do I not? BUT that is simply because I am a pro at contradicting myself, second guessing things, and so forth. And so on! And so what, oh well, drink deep, live now.