omg sad entry lol

okay okay okay-- prepare yourself. this is an entry about EaTiNg DiSoRdErS. we've all got 'em. or at least we all had 'em at some point. maybe we all got over 'em once we got out of high school. but not this girl.

ever since i was... seven? eight? i have had irrational fears about my weight and what i ate. i remember writing in a journal when i was ten about how i needed to exercise a lot so that my boyfriend josh would like me. i remember the smell of bacon made me hysterical because i thought i was going to gain weight just by smelling it. i remember my heart beating irregularly after running for hours-- running just so i could burn off the small bowl of grape nuts that i had earlier in the day. i remember wearing a gold bikini and standing in front of some sleazy modeling agent and having her tell me that i needed to lose some body fat-- i remember i refused to eat dinner that night. i remember not having my period for almost a year-- and not caring. i remember chewing food and then spitting it out so that i could enjoy the taste, but not actually consume very many calories. i remember throwing up countless times-- so much that my throat would be sore the next day and my glands would be swollen. i remember taking adderall to suppress my appetite. i remember wanting to start smoking so that i could suppress my appetite. i remember having to jump rope a thousand times (at least) after feeling guilty for chewing a piece of gum. i remember overhearing distant relatives at my grandma's funeral say that i was so skinny-- and it delighted me. i remember many times when friends would say that my cheeks look sunken in or that i look emaciated-- and it delighted me. i remember oh so much more, but oh it has gotten oh so dramatic, oh so i shall stop remembering here on a blog.

what was my point? i think i just want to lay all of this out on the table. i want to rid myself of this worst best friend for once and for all. it's so outrageously hard, though. i know i know i know-- there's a lot more in life than what one looks like on the outside, what one weights, etc. but i don't think this has everything to do with looks. i think a lot of my eating disorder has to do with control, masochism, perfectionism, and other such things. i just feel like i can't live my life like this for very much longer. it takes up an amazing amount of energy to have an eating disorder. it consumes my entire day and all of my thoughts. i miss out on a lot of great things because of this disorder.

but i am complaining too much. i know other people have had it MUCH more worse than i have. and i need to stop wa wa wa-ing about everything and just snap out of it. ha! but that's the thing-- it's like telling someone who is depressed or who has diabetes to just "snap out of it". it's more complicated than that... right?

i have been working hard on it, though. but i feel so all alone.

sparkling

ever since school ended and winter break '08 started, things have been so wacky and mind expanding and exhausting and wacky and full of language and columns of air and glow sticks and dylan and bald eagles and time and the lack of time and the existence of time and the non-existence of everything and a little bit of snow.

everything about winter break '08 is completely different from winter break '07 in the best and worst ways possible. i have reached a few plateaus and am starting to itch...

i ain't got no home in this world anymore

praise jesus and buddha that i am finally done with this semester. it has yet to sink in that i will no longer have to go to class for four hours each day and spend it with woman who are nice and everything, but also really into things like twilight and scrapbooking.

the happiness that comes with the semester being over with is being overshadowed with the sheer terror i feel whenever i have to drive in the snow. also, there is some sweaty dude in the computer lab that keeps clearing his throat every... three seconds? it's like, dude- get a drink. it is driving me insane. and some computer keeps beeping, which is also driving me insane, but not as insane as the sweaty throat clearing. good thing i have my ipod, though. but i can still hear his throat over dylan's "girl from the north country fair". i should probably just leave the computer lab anyway and go sell my books back. i wonder how much of the three hundred dollars i will get back? my guess is that by some christmas miracle i will get five hundred dollars back and receive a fruit basket.

crossing my fingers.

school or enrichment night? is there a difference?

it is the biggest relief to know that tomorrow is my last day of finals and that i will be DONE with the elementary ed program. i know i have given the program a hard time lately... it really is a good program for those who are programmed to be elementary school teachers. the thing is, i'm not programmed for such a thing. i hope i'm not programmed to be anything (except for maybe a lion tamer).

i found out yesterday that i will graduate with an english degree in fall of 2009. finally. and then what do i do after i graduate? great question. maybe learn german. eventually go to grad school. become a nomad. frequently host ladylike tea parties.

yesterday a girl in my class said that the grand canyon was created by heavenly father, not erosion.

24 hours and counting...

lately

arthur/trig

sunday night i had two pretty awesome dreams. in the first dream, i was living on a boat in hawaii with arthur, chaunte, and laura. arthur had these yellow pills that when swallowed would lead to suffocation. he kept taking them and i kept having to save him. okay, that was boring. but in the second (and coolest) dream, a shit load of politicians came over to my house. just to hang out. who was there? well... barack, hillary, dicky cheney, mccain the maverick, the maverick's wife cindy, mo rocco, steven colbert, a bunch of secret servicemen, and trig palin. okay, so not all of those people are politicians. but that's not the point. the point is that barack and hillary were so chummy and nice to me, dick was a dick, the maverick was a grumpy old gramps with his teeth in a glass, and trig had the largest biceps i have ever seen on a downs baby. or on a baby in general. or on anyone in general. or on a general. i gave them all christmas presents and begged them to stay. well, i begged barack and hillary to stay. dick can go fly a kite.

woodbury/would berry/waaaaassssup

my job is so weird. but i actually really like it. it is perfect for me- little interaction with people, quiet, time to do homework (lame) or listen to urban dharma the podcast (awesome), free food in the back. oh, and some pretty cool works of art. AND access to the storage room of the mall, which is huge and holds a lot of odd and slightly terrifying decorations. my job reminds me a lot of this book:

peace, brothers.

anxietation

today while i was meditating i experienced more concentration than usual and waves of anxiety. most of the time i feel rested and peaceful after meditation, but today i was left feeling a bit on edge. i wondered why meditation would do this, and after looking into it (aka googling it), i think that part of my problem is that i am still a beginner meditator. the mind has many different layers of awareness and when certain layers of ignorance are being threatened by meditation, the mind wants to stop the meditation from going any further. these negative mental states are known in buddhism as the five hindrances. the five hindrances are sensual desire (craving for pleasure to the senses), anger or ill-will (feelings of malice directed toward others), sloth-torpor or boredom (half-hearted action with little or no concentration), restlessness-worry (the inability to calm the mind), and doubt (lack of conviction or trust). i have read that if one does not recognize these hindrances during their practice, then it is "mis-meditating". yet to recognize their presence will lead to "purification of the mind". i found myself recognizing my anxiety (or "restlessness-worry") today and tried to acknowledge it without seeing it as good/bad. i gained some fairly good insight by doing this, but i still have a lot to learn. my mind is full of a lot of hindrances these days. and also a lot of made up punk music. somehow i compose punk songs in my head on a daily basis.

oh yeah, i could also be anxious because i have recently started to ween myself (probably a bit carelessly) off of wellbutrin. meh. (i never use the word "meh", but i suppose i should now because it was just added to the dictionary. what dictionary? i don't know. and why do i feel the need to use a word just because it is a new addition to a phantom dictionary? i don't know that, either.)

namaste.

panopea abrupta

last saturday i went to olympia, washington with my dad to check out the evergreen state college. i was almost one hundred percent sure that i was going to move to olympia in january, but now i am not so sure. after much thought and discussion with my pops, i think the best thing for me to do right now would be to finish my english degree at uvu since i am probably hella close to graduating- and it would be much cheaper. then after i graduate, i can think about going to grad school at evergreen and getting my masters in public administration. i have also been looking into naropa university in colorado for grad school. if i went there, i would probably get my masters in either creative writing, writing and poetics, or religious studies. i can't remember what my point was of this entry... maybe it was to tell you that the geoduck (pronounced "gooey-duck") is the world's largest burrowing bivalve. here is a picture of me holding a medium sized geoduck.

eat your heart out.

cuneiform- more like CUTIEform

i am about 97% sure most of you out there have wondered what my name looks like written in cuneiform, the ideographic and syllabic writing system in which the ancient babylonian language was written. heeeeeere it is!!!

also, i love classical music. it makes me want to be an agreeable lady.

books seduce/reduce/produce

just read
willard and his bowling trophies by richard brautigan
big sur by jack kerouac
alma 30:23-31 by man with a top hat covering his face
currently reading
the ethics of what we eat by peter singer and jim mason
desolation angels by jack kerouac
to read
the rest of the electric kool-aid acid test by tom wolfe
nausea by jean-paul sartre
the audacity of hope by some barack dude
will never read
her fog and pearls blog

angelheaded

i love these guys.

amenity motor inn, room 111

seven things i remember about this night:
1. discussing how sad it is that myspace is becoming like facebook
2. discussing kerouac, ginsberg, burroughs, and ferlinghetti (and pretending like i was super smart, duh)
3. discussing drew danburry
4. discussing devendra banhart
5. discussing the similarities between drew and devendra- drewvendra banburry
6. discussing proposition 8
7. discussing korihor, the antichrist*



*korihor- not a bad guy. actually has quite the rational, intelligent argument. thank you for pointing out this chapter, isaac. things like this just tickle my fancy. if you want to check out the korihor chapter, it is in alma 30. or just copy/paste this link: http://scriptures.lds.org/en/alma/30.

je regrette, mais je ne suis pas libre

okay, so i may have gone a little overboard in my last post. but maybe not.

the word "delirium" is stuck in my head. and my head is stuck in a delirium. coincidence? no such thing.

i am obsessed with atlases. or is it atli? no, that's crazy/crazi.

our mind is something we try to pinpoint. we poke and prod and wonder and wreck. we analyze and desensitize, trivialize and justify.

but why?

isaac, jake, and chris (and anybody else, of course)- answer this.

thank you, god and buddha and krishna and oprah and everyone ever oh man i am so freaking happy right now in your face everyone in my class YES!!!

I AM SO SO SO SO SO SO HAPPY.

we're hiding like elephants when they're happy

this was quite the perfect way to spend a rainy sunday.

for many reasons that i shall not discuss right now, this movie breaks my heart. especially any scene involving the bathroom and the mirror.

the witching hour

so i ended up not going as my dear miss daisy for halloween. instead i went as "me putting on a halloween themed vest and taking pictures for my blog". i suck.

happy boo-thday!

for halloween i think i shall dress up as jessica tandy in driving miss daisy. or perhaps i will dress up as morgan freeman portraying miss daisy's driver. but i will NOT dress up as dan aykroyd.

why did the vampire subscribe to the new york times?
because he heard it had great circulation! and he also really likes maureen dowd.

orem meg, gone insane

this past january i hung out a little too long with sailor jerry, which resulted in these myspace bulletins that i don't quite remember writing...


Date: Jan 11, 2008 7:04 PM
Subject: that's david matthews to you.
Body: if anyone is interested, i have a great dave matthews song on my profile right now. and by "great" i mean "terrible". BUT do not think for one second that i am not completely enamored by mr. matthews. he is like a god in my damn eyes. well, not a god i would ever pray to or sacrifice 10% of my income for, but a god nonetheless. and why? two words- TWO STEP. two more words- HEMP NECKLACE. three more words and an exclamation point- CRASH INTO ME! four words, seven syllables, and a pat on the back- WELL DONE, DAVE. oh wait- i guess that's three words, three syllables, and more like a slap in the face. i joke about the "slap in the face" part. i don't even know why i said that! it's like i'm on some crazy pills right now or something. you know, kRaZzY piLLz!
until we become more than just myspace acquaintances,
meg


Date: Jan 12, 2008 1:19 AM
Subject: okay, SOMEONE else besides me HAS to be on crazy pills.
Body: anyone want a leg spreader? super delicious! but seriously, i am probably cooler than you think. ask me anything about anything and i can give you a witty, impulsive, fashion forward answer. does that make sense? i don't know. i don't know if that means... never mind. but it totally makes sense. the placebo affect won't occur. effect. rabbits are a lot smarter than people think. "you guys are both gay."
love,
meg


Date: Jan 12, 2008 11:06 PM
Subject: put that up on monster.com, spencer
Body: it would be so cool if i went to jail tonight. i bet i would make so many friends. "dude, jail is not a cool place." no, they are perfect for me. the people in jail, that is. "i don't think it will fit you." no, it will fit perfectly. jail, that is.
i will definitely keep my eyes peeled for ways to get into jail if you promise to do the same,
meg aka "coal umbrella"


Date: Jan 22, 2008 5:58 PM
Subject: order in the court! i order you to answer these questions!
Body: guilty!

what/who is more indie?...

sego or elizabeth smart?

nuclear holocaust or coal umbrella?

dance parties or conjunctivitis?

genocide or the bird flu?

the weak men or EFY?

cloverfield or a mormon in the white house?

not hot 4 teacher

i don't want to teach. at least not right now. the program i am in makes me want to cry every single day. or scream. or both. i just don't care about it and everyone is so different from me and i don't feel challenged at all and i think i am finally realizing that the reason why i wanted to go into teaching in the first place was to go back to my childhood and be somewhere comfortable and safe. i liked the idea of teaching.

i am seriously considering being a buddhist monk at chris's future retreat.

or a professor.

or the apple of your eye.

hot 4 fred

i have a crush on fred armisen from saturday night live.

too bad he is already dating jack black's wife's sister.

bob blog

i am starting to not really like the title of my blog. it just seems a little too abstract and dramatic. but it's from my favorite line in bob dylan's "just like a woman". "with her fog, her amphetamine and her pearls." so i guess my blog title is okay.

man. i have become so boring. nothing interesting to say. oh, except for a rapist told me i could live with him for free. sold!

(oh, and i found this picture on google images by simply/magically/scientifically typing "bob dylan just like a woman". do you understand the picture??? you see, she has PEARLS on her wrist, AMPHETAMINE in her hand, and apparently a NOSE RING in her nose. art.)

underwear

okay, this isn't really about underwear. well, it is and it isn't. a phrase that keeps going through my head lately is one that my mom told me awhile ago- "put on your big girl panties." yes, odd. but basically it means just do what you have to do. rip off the band aid. get it over with. hitch up your panties and don't get your panties in a knot. or something like that. as tired and as stressed as i am, i am surprised that i am actually getting things accomplished. i guess i keep telling myself that i just need to hang in there for a few more months. hang in there, baby.

okay, so maybe i don't really accomplish as much as i say i do. for example, right now i am supposed to be painting walls at work. i have been here for an hour and i have yet to get started. but they always criticize the way i paint them, so i have very little (if any) motivation to screw up another wall (that almost sounded a bit dirty, no?). but i DO enjoy listening to buddhist podcasts while painting walls, so... i guess it's time to put on a pair of granny panties and paint the walls brown. that DEFINITELY sounded dirty.

jake might like this

my dad snail mailed me a bunch of information on INFPs today (a myers-briggs type- Introvert, iNtuitive, Feeling, Perceiving) because i recently took the myers-briggs test and it told me i was an INFP (duh/no duh). my dad was really excited because he too is an INFP. like father, like daughter, like helen keller (who was ALSO an INFP!!! also, no duh).

INFPs are... full of enthusiasms and loyalties, but seldom talk of those until they know you well. care about learning, ideas, language, and independent projects of their own. tend to undertake too much, then somehow get it done. friendly, but often too absorbed in what they are doing to be sociable. little concerned with possessions or physical surroundings.

the number one most popular occupation for INFPs is fine artist. number fifty (on a list of fifty most popular) is roman catholic priest, which, let's be honest, should be number one.

oh yes, and drinking three cups of coffee a day will make your breasts smaller.

fool me once

i saw this on sunday. and i cried. well, almost. i think i will write more about the movie later, but for now i have to have an out of body experience.

pumpkin patch

for some reason, the background in the first picture gives the illusion that i am on top of the empire state building or something.

carrots and sticks and richard gere

last night i was lying in bed agonizing over a big decision that i have to make in the near future. it was tearing me up inside and i didn't know what to do. i decided to get my mind off of it, so i picked up a book of short stories/articles and randomly opened up to an article titled "the futile pursuit of happiness" by jon gertner. i think this article must have been a sign from buddha or richard gere (the modern day buddha). it didn't necessarily distract my mind from my "problem". in fact, it dealt directly with the problem. i was agonizing over which decision would make me the happiest and this article pretty much told me that whatever i decide doesn't really matter. let me explain.

three psychologists and an economist walk into a bar and then asked "how do we predict what will make us happy or unhappy- and then how do we feel after the actual experience?" for example, how will we feel if we win or lose a game? how will we feel a few days after winning/losing the game? how do we predict we will feel after purchasing a cool iphone or a pair of cool vintage jeans or other cool shit? and then how do we react to the outcome? according to these four men, the decision to purchase cool shit, get married, move to olympia, etc. are based on predictions of what the emotional consequences will be.

the researchers claim that we as humans tend to "overestimate the intensity and duration of our emotional reactions- our 'affect'- to future events". so in other words, we might think that moving to olympia or starting a vintage clothing shop called "coal umbrella" will make life great. but it will be less exciting than we predicted and the initial excitement won't last very long. basically, both good and bad events are less intense and more transient than we may predict.

while these ideas don't seem very surprising or new to me, it was still reassuring to read about them last night. the ideas actually seem to be very congruent with buddhism's idea of impermanence. the ordinary understanding of impermanence can be seen everyday- people are born, get older, die, the weather is cold, warm, hot, then cold again. things change constantly. i find that buddhist practice helps to open one up to the less obvious perception of impermanence. by practicing mindfulness, one can see everything as constantly in flux, even things that seem to always be persistent.

i think i am getting a little off track. but basically my point was that this article that richard gere personally wrote for me (under the pen name "jon gertner") really brought peace to my troubled noggin last night (of course, i realized this peace would not last... but neither would future distress). it reassured me that whatever decisions i end up making, i will adapt. one choice won't make me blissfully happy, just like another choice won't make me feel like a dried up turd. even if it DOES make me a happy/turd/happy turd, it won't always be that way. some may find this bleak, but i find it reassuring. at the end of the article, one of the psychologists said, "...maybe our caricatures of the future- these overinflated assessments of how good or bad things will be- maybe it's these illusory assessments that keep us moving in one direction over the other. maybe we don't want a society of people who shrug and say, 'it won't really make a difference.' maybe it's important for there to be carrots and sticks in the world, even if they are illusions. they keep us moving towards carrots and away from sticks."

one year ago...

take a stroll with me down memory lane, also known as october 2007 boulevard:







wow.

git-r-done

sooo... in my technology in the classroom class, we have to make a movie on the computer. my partner and i have to do a movie on how wonderful terrific boot in the ass awesome the pledge of allegiance is. needless to say, this assignment is going to kill me (if george above doesn't kill me first). my partner found that picture above- you know, the one of georgie pie patriotically pledging his allegiance to his christian flag waving proud n' free in the background while tanks n' guns n' jets n' stuff kill n' blow up n' slaughter n' junk lots o' peoplez. git-r-done, w. git-r-done. and of course my partner LOVED it. and then my teacher saw the picture and of course she LOVED it. she thought it was "way cool". weird, because although i usually see blind patriotism as "way cool", for some reason this picture just doesn't sit well with me... hmmm. maybe i need to listen to lee greenwood's "god bless the usa" on repeat while hunting wolves from a helicopter in order to get back into the spirit of all things patriotic.

maybe at the end of the movie i can have a majestic bald eagle crash through the screen. you know, kind of like jumping out of a birthday cake. and what is that birthday cake made out of? red, white, and wolf meat. naturally.

i feel funny inside.

luna

lately i have been getting up at sex (WHOA! honest mistake! x rated mistake!)- i mean SIX in the morning to go to the gym. gross. but cool, too. i like being up early when the moon is setting and the sun is rising. there is something almost secretive about that time of day.

but for hell's sake i'm tired. i am sleeping in tomorrow.

olymigger

i might move here.

is this a good idea or a bad idea?

explain.

sinful

sometimes at night i fantasize about eating all sorts of "sinful" foods.

i have deep dark secrets that are pretty dark, but not too deep and not too secret. chris pretty much knows all of my secrets. every last one of them. almost.

i am elusive. or so i've been told. i think i am just more of a homebody. and i just don't really care to make much of an effort to be social. and then there's the anxiety part. and the "i have to stick to my routine" part.

i have recurring dreams of amusement parks. the parks are always closed, i am inside, there are huge, terrifying rides, and i ride them all.

i am scared of losing myself again.

cobbler

someday i'm going to run into a cobbler and he's going to say, "i can fix that hole in your shoe." and i'm going to say, "hey man, that's not what you're supposed to say."

i

how powerful is our mind? i don't know. am i able to make myself anxious or calm or happy or disheartened by solely my thoughts? how much of an effect (both short and long term) do certain chemicals have on my mind? what would "i" be like today if i had never ever ingested any chemicals (both legal and illegal)?

but there isn't really a solid "i". "i" is such a tricky subject. there is no self! and i know i sound like i am trying too hard to be buddhist or abstract or something, but "i" really mean it- or at least "i" sort of get it right now. it makes sense.

but what is this "it" that makes sense? i am not making much sense, but at the same time i am. i am both not making sense and making sense and neither of those- yet both of those.

good grief. i need a drink or a shrink.

wishes

i wish i would have been a better friend. i wish i would have been more open. i wish i hadn't been so caught up in myself. i wish i would have participated more. i wish i would have made more girlfriends. i wish i would have been more selective with the people i dated. i wish i would have gone to therapy earlier. i wish i had been less afraid.

steve jobs is coming out with the iwish and it is going to solve all of my problems.

but in the meantime, a buddha once said, "it is precisely because our present life is so inseparably linked with desire that we must make use of desire's tremendous energy if we wish to transform our life into something transcendental."