okay okay okay-- prepare yourself. this is an entry about EaTiNg DiSoRdErS. we've all got 'em. or at least we all had 'em at some point. maybe we all got over 'em once we got out of high school. but not this girl.
ever since i was... seven? eight? i have had irrational fears about my weight and what i ate. i remember writing in a journal when i was ten about how i needed to exercise a lot so that my boyfriend josh would like me. i remember the smell of bacon made me hysterical because i thought i was going to gain weight just by smelling it. i remember my heart beating irregularly after running for hours-- running just so i could burn off the small bowl of grape nuts that i had earlier in the day. i remember wearing a gold bikini and standing in front of some sleazy modeling agent and having her tell me that i needed to lose some body fat-- i remember i refused to eat dinner that night. i remember not having my period for almost a year-- and not caring. i remember chewing food and then spitting it out so that i could enjoy the taste, but not actually consume very many calories. i remember throwing up countless times-- so much that my throat would be sore the next day and my glands would be swollen. i remember taking adderall to suppress my appetite. i remember wanting to start smoking so that i could suppress my appetite. i remember having to jump rope a thousand times (at least) after feeling guilty for chewing a piece of gum. i remember overhearing distant relatives at my grandma's funeral say that i was so skinny-- and it delighted me. i remember many times when friends would say that my cheeks look sunken in or that i look emaciated-- and it delighted me. i remember oh so much more, but oh it has gotten oh so dramatic, oh so i shall stop remembering here on a blog.
what was my point? i think i just want to lay all of this out on the table. i want to rid myself of this worst best friend for once and for all. it's so outrageously hard, though. i know i know i know-- there's a lot more in life than what one looks like on the outside, what one weights, etc. but i don't think this has everything to do with looks. i think a lot of my eating disorder has to do with control, masochism, perfectionism, and other such things. i just feel like i can't live my life like this for very much longer. it takes up an amazing amount of energy to have an eating disorder. it consumes my entire day and all of my thoughts. i miss out on a lot of great things because of this disorder.
but i am complaining too much. i know other people have had it MUCH more worse than i have. and i need to stop wa wa wa-ing about everything and just snap out of it. ha! but that's the thing-- it's like telling someone who is depressed or who has diabetes to just "snap out of it". it's more complicated than that... right?
i have been working hard on it, though. but i feel so all alone.