Sunday, November 30, 2008


today while i was meditating i experienced more concentration than usual and waves of anxiety. most of the time i feel rested and peaceful after meditation, but today i was left feeling a bit on edge. i wondered why meditation would do this, and after looking into it (aka googling it), i think that part of my problem is that i am still a beginner meditator. the mind has many different layers of awareness and when certain layers of ignorance are being threatened by meditation, the mind wants to stop the meditation from going any further. these negative mental states are known in buddhism as the five hindrances. the five hindrances are sensual desire (craving for pleasure to the senses), anger or ill-will (feelings of malice directed toward others), sloth-torpor or boredom (half-hearted action with little or no concentration), restlessness-worry (the inability to calm the mind), and doubt (lack of conviction or trust). i have read that if one does not recognize these hindrances during their practice, then it is "mis-meditating". yet to recognize their presence will lead to "purification of the mind". i found myself recognizing my anxiety (or "restlessness-worry") today and tried to acknowledge it without seeing it as good/bad. i gained some fairly good insight by doing this, but i still have a lot to learn. my mind is full of a lot of hindrances these days. and also a lot of made up punk music. somehow i compose punk songs in my head on a daily basis.

oh yeah, i could also be anxious because i have recently started to ween myself (probably a bit carelessly) off of wellbutrin. meh. (i never use the word "meh", but i suppose i should now because it was just added to the dictionary. what dictionary? i don't know. and why do i feel the need to use a word just because it is a new addition to a phantom dictionary? i don't know that, either.)


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