Wednesday, August 14, 2013

tortilla flat

More lists. I love lists. You love me, you love my dog. Wait. I meant to say that if you love me then you will also love lists. Wait. You could love me and hate lists. You could also love me and hate me. You could also love me and hate, say, tortillas. But why in the "fuck" would you hate burritos? Wait. Tortillas. Not burritos. But I am guessing if you dislike tortillas so much, you probably aren't the biggest burrito fan, which is a damn ("damn") shame because burritos are fudging ("fuckin'") delicious ("so goddamn delicious"). So if you love me then you must love dogs who make burritos while wearing funny hats. Who wouldn't love that?!


1. "So you're a poet." "WELL..." "It says on your resume that you won first place in a poetry contest." "WELL..." "So?" "WELL..." (A real conversation I had today with a man wearing a black polo and smoking a cig!)

2. If I were a magazine, I'd like to think that I would be The New Yorker, but who are we (me) (am I) kidding? I would be shitty Seventeen with Kylie and Kenner Jenner on the cover. Okay, so I just did a quick search and it turns out that there is no Kenner Jenner. I guess her name is Kendall??? It SHOULD be Kenner.

3. I want a dog. And a one-way ticket to New Mexico. And a burrito. They make great burritos in New Mexico, or so I've heard. And by "they" I mean the dogs! The dogs of New Mexico! Not a racist. That was just a weird joke I made earlier... Dogs making burritos... Remember?

4. I forgot what 4 was supposed to be.

5. "I think therefore I am." NOT ACCORDING TO SARTRE.

6. More like SEX.

7. If you are a fan of Instagram, I've got something you might like EVEN MORE! (Is that even possible?! Instapossibilities.) Okay, so it's this thing called "real life," but it's real life WITH FILTERS. Like, you carry around with you about 8 or 10 different sunglasses with different colored lenses and you can wear these sunglasses whenever and wherever and see the world through filtered filters and it's like a walking Instagram and/or like an Instagram movie staring YOU walking down the STREET feeling COOL because you are wearing 8 to 10 sunglasses AT ONE TIME. Mind blown.

8. Someone buy me flowers and grapes and lez cuddle.

9. Oh yeah! I remember what 4 was supposed to be!

10. All good lists go to 11.

11. This one doesn't.

12. It goes to 12.

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