indulge

There are people that I deeply miss, although I refuse to let myself miss them for more than half a day. For half a day I will allow myself to wallow in the past, perhaps write flowery poetry, imagine the two of us as tragic characters in some indie film, and then done. Then I'm done with the daydreaming and must move on.

Do I miss them? Or do I miss who I was when I was with them? Yes, we are mirrors. Yes, we are reflections. Yes, something something about consciousness and the Self and ego and something something.

Yes, I do miss them.

I may shelter myself to a fault. I may push and hide and deny and whine. I may miss opportunities and experiences that would "enrich and uplift." I may do a lot of things that are frowned upon. I will most definitely make you mad or sad or give up.

But I will miss you. I will remember things you might not even realize you did or say. There's a stupid way that you cross your legs that fascinates me. You smile and close your eyes when you say the word "naturally." Why do you do that? I love it more than I should. I will give you up, but not before I give in to the tiny reflections that come together to form my version of you.

I can't help it. I crave.