Monday, May 4, 2015


What if I woke up this morning determined to be more spontaneous? I would go out and grab a LATTE (I always get black coffee! But not this time!) and then wander over to a tattoo parlor to get a face tattoo (I never get face tattoos! But I will this time!). Hey, it could happen! Actually, in all honesty, in all truthfulness, in all sincerity, in all pinkie promises, I would get a face tattoo. I considered it at one time! I won't tell you what it is, but let's just say it is not a teardrop or anything tribal.

Do not worry, mom and everyone else, I am not getting a face tattoo anytime soon. Maybe when I'm 80, but not now. I do, however, desire to be more spontaneous. I always thought I was spontaneous. No, dear. You aren't. You are impulsive, yes. You impulsively cut bangs, you impulsively send regrettable emails, you impulsively make huge life decisions based on a pretty picture or a subtle hint. You are good at those things. But spontaneity? You could stand to move that muscle occasionally. Don't let it fall into atrophy.

Do I start small or do I go big? I guess the whole point of spontaneity is to not PLAN out your spontaneity. That wouldn't be spontaneity; that would be called planning things out. Okay, noted. Besides, when I begin to plan plan plan, I never actually do do do (do do!) because I begin to psych myself out. The doubt creeps in, the self-consciousness settles in for a long stay, and then I give up. I would like to stop this cycle. I would like to take chances, push myself (in a loving way, of course!), be scared, learn to swim when I hit the water, so on and so forth. (May the fourth be with you? Sorry, sorry. I didn't want to make the joke, I really didn't. But I spontaneously decided to anyway.)

Get ready for me to make some serious and non-serious changes. Almost half of 2015 has passed and I haven't done a whole lot*. I don't want to see the other half of the year pass me by while I just sit around waiting for life to happen. I'm going to start doing the things I want to do and seeing the places I want to see. I am going to grow into the brave soul I know I am. She's in there! She just needs a little push. And maybe a latte with whole milk.

*I haven't done a whole lot except for actively working on my recovery from an eating disorder I've had for over 20 years, quitting a prescription drug that was highly addictive and destructive, being diagnosed with anemia and beating it (I think), opening myself up to other humans and making that priceless connection, and going back to being a blonde. Three hundred cheers for me!

(Check out this stupid photo. Apparently this is what the Internet thinks is spontaneous. I mean, they aren't WRONG.)

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