Friday, May 8, 2015


People/places/things I forget are/were real and not mythical:

*George Washington

Imagine Jurassic Park but instead of dinosaurs the scientists bring back presidents. Lincoln wandering around the jungle hunting down George W. Oh hold on a sec. Is this Presidential Edition of Jurassic Park for living or dead presidents? Both? Let's say both. I'm terrible at making decisions and I also wish to include everyone.

Let's adopt clouds.

Where is the frying pan? I need some eggs this morning. Sorry to gross out all of my vegan followers. I kid. I don't have any vegan followers. OR DO I?! Reveal yourselves. Oh wait! I can think of at least one vegan follower! And I like her so much. Like, LIKE LIKE.

How about we stop for one g-damn second and wash our g-damn sheets? I'll tell you why. Because I always forget to put the sheets in the dryer and then I go to sleep with wet sheets and cold feet.

When does the sun hang the highest in the sky? Is it around 3:33pm or something? That's when I feel my most awfulest. MOST AWFULEST. Lately those crummy feelings have been happening later, though. Around 5:33pm. It's curious that this is the case because 333 is my favorite number and 5+3+3=11 and 11 is just two loners coming together to create an unstoppable duo! A power couple! A dream team of sorts.

Who wants to buy me a plane ticket? To anywhere. Anywhere that doesn't have to fly over the Bermuda Triangle or a field of sheep. I don't want to scare the sheep, I just want to eat them with a side of fried eggs JOKING that wouldn't taste really great.

Good morning! Keep your feet warm and moving. Research some presidents. Learn some trivia you can use to impress strangers at a future cocktail party. Seek out cocktail parties with which you can fill your calendar. Keep a calendar. Keep track of the times you do and do not step on sidewalk cracks. Crack open that egg and fry up some excitement into your life. FIST PUMP.

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