perceive

I need to take a trip down to a jungle to take a trip IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. I need my doors of perception cleansed. I need to change my perspective, my attitude, my outlook, my path, etc. I wonder why everyone is an asshole and then I briefly pause to consider, "Maybe I'm the asshole?" I just might be.

I want to be kinder. I used to be so kind. I just feel mean now. Mean, robotic, and so sad. There are moments when I am hit with a whole bunch of hope, though. There are sunny periods that lift me out of my fog. But they are just moments, periods. It feels as if depression is the norm and that everything else is just a passing phase.

I don't know where to start. I guess wanting to be kinder is a good start. But where do I go from here? It's not enough to want something; I might actually have to put in some elbow grease here.

I wish I could sleep. I wish I didn't wake up multiple times a night to attend to cold sweats and my bladder. I wish I didn't dream of tragedies and exclusions. There is hardly rest throughout my day. How can I rest when I put all of my energy into avoidance?

I will write something happier tonight. I don't want to unnecessarily worry anyone. Then again, maybe I shouldn't always try to gloss over things to please others. Hmm. That's a thought.