I went on a walk today (wearing SHADES of course, mostly to keep the Sundance paparazzi away, but also because the snow made everything so fuggin' bright). I walked through my church (nature), which means I walked through the trees in the park and stared at the mountains feeling perfectly inferior. I could start talking all about the drive to commodify nature, but boooring - you would much rather read about my emotional breakdowns and feelings of despair, right? Right.
I called my dad while on my nature church walk. I am always happy when I talk to my dad. I used to call him much more often, but then I suddenly became employed and realized that having a job actually takes up a bit of time and that I forget to do anything else but sleep eat work tweet eat sleep. So, that's the life of a cashier - and that's also why I started crying to my dad. It should be noted that I don't cry very often in front of my dad - like, hardly ever. The last time I cried in front of him was in St. Helens when I went running outside, got lost, and then tripped over the sidewalk in front of a KFC and cut up my knees and hands. I limped back to the hotel all sweaty and bloody and embarrassed and just broke down when he opened the door. Then I drank a Powerade and watched The Colbert Report.
What was I saying/typing/saying through the magic of typing? Oh yes. Crying. Cashiering. Caffeinated calculus camping (not really the last one, I was just on an alliteration roll). I just feel stuck. I'm almost 28 with a college degree and I am bagging protein powders while making strained small talk with young coworkers about their double dates to Chili's. I'm such a white privileged person right now, aren't I? Here I have a job in a tough economy and I am complaining. I realize most of the time that I am pretty damn lucky to have a pretty easy job that pretty much pays for what I need it to pay for right now. Yet I also realize that I am not working towards anything else - I am not applying for grad school (like I tell everyone I am), I am not making the wisest choices concerning relationships, I am not actively looking for a sangha (which is super important to me), I am just not doing much of anything but making it through each shift without freaking the fuck out...
...And maybe that's okay. Maybe survival is what I should aim for right now. Life has its feasts and its famines. Things won't permanently be like this - clocking out always comes, even when it seems like time has stopped moving. But I can't just keep doing nothing... I mean, doing nothing is doing something, but... I need to move. I need to get up and get out and continue. What to do? I don't have to do the "one perfect thing." There isn't one perfect thing. Maybe I need to give up on the idea that I am "supposed" to be someone/something and just do a lot of things. Maybe I volunteer somewhere for a month and it's a horrible experience and I run out of money? Oh well. Maybe I move close to a Buddhist center and have to work at another pseudo health food store - but at least I'll be close to a sangha. Maybe I go somewhere with absolutely no plan and no directions and just see what happens.
Bottom line: It's time I start living a life for me and not for you and you and even you. It's time I start looking at what is important to me, what I value, and into what I want to invest my heart. And it's definitely time I stop selling myself short and start realizing that I am an achingly amazing person.