Sunday, January 22, 2012

sleep eat work tweet repeat

I went on a walk today (wearing SHADES of course, mostly to keep the Sundance paparazzi away, but also because the snow made everything so fuggin' bright). I walked through my church (nature), which means I walked through the trees in the park and stared at the mountains feeling perfectly inferior. I could start talking all about the drive to commodify nature, but boooring - you would much rather read about my emotional breakdowns and feelings of despair, right? Right.

I called my dad while on my nature church walk. I am always happy when I talk to my dad. I used to call him much more often, but then I suddenly became employed and realized that having a job actually takes up a bit of time and that I forget to do anything else but sleep eat work tweet eat sleep. So, that's the life of a cashier - and that's also why I started crying to my dad. It should be noted that I don't cry very often in front of my dad - like, hardly ever. The last time I cried in front of him was in St. Helens when I went running outside, got lost, and then tripped over the sidewalk in front of a KFC and cut up my knees and hands. I limped back to the hotel all sweaty and bloody and embarrassed and just broke down when he opened the door. Then I drank a Powerade and watched The Colbert Report.

What was I saying/typing/saying through the magic of typing? Oh yes. Crying. Cashiering. Caffeinated calculus camping (not really the last one, I was just on an alliteration roll). I just feel stuck. I'm almost 28 with a college degree and I am bagging protein powders while making strained small talk with young coworkers about their double dates to Chili's. I'm such a white privileged person right now, aren't I? Here I have a job in a tough economy and I am complaining. I realize most of the time that I am pretty damn lucky to have a pretty easy job that pretty much pays for what I need it to pay for right now. Yet I also realize that I am not working towards anything else - I am not applying for grad school (like I tell everyone I am), I am not making the wisest choices concerning relationships, I am not actively looking for a sangha (which is super important to me), I am just not doing much of anything but making it through each shift without freaking the fuck out...

...And maybe that's okay. Maybe survival is what I should aim for right now. Life has its feasts and its famines. Things won't permanently be like this - clocking out always comes, even when it seems like time has stopped moving. But I can't just keep doing nothing... I mean, doing nothing is doing something, but... I need to move. I need to get up and get out and continue. What to do? I don't have to do the "one perfect thing." There isn't one perfect thing. Maybe I need to give up on the idea that I am "supposed" to be someone/something and just do a lot of things. Maybe I volunteer somewhere for a month and it's a horrible experience and I run out of money? Oh well. Maybe I move close to a Buddhist center and have to work at another pseudo health food store - but at least I'll be close to a sangha. Maybe I go somewhere with absolutely no plan and no directions and just see what happens.

Bottom line: It's time I start living a life for me and not for you and you and even you. It's time I start looking at what is important to me, what I value, and into what I want to invest my heart. And it's definitely time I stop selling myself short and start realizing that I am an achingly amazing person.


Unknown said...

"leap and the net will appear"
= a zen saying

Jennif said...

you are an achingly amazing woman.

cassie said...

i struggle with this every damn day. i have a career but i feel so trapped! i pray for sick days and i think, this isn't the right place for me. where is the right place? what am i supposed to be doing? i will probably never figure this out.

Thirdmango said...

I do the same damn thing, telling people I'm applying for grad schools when I'm not actually doing so. One of the most freeing moments of my life was when I realized it was okay that I liked stupid shit and it didn't matter if everyone I knew said it was stupid and worthless.

Doing nothing is great sometimes but when your own inner ambition starts pouring out it becomes really tough. I'm graduating this coming april but I'm too late for most grad schools and so if'n I get into any of them it won't be until a year from august, and being someone who really wants to know where I'm going in the next couple of years I feel like I'm just stuck in Utah waiting for my life to go onto the next chapter, and that sucks ass because really I should be doing awesome shit while I'm still here. But since I've been here for so long it's hard to find new and awesome things to do.

Oh and I should mention in case you're like, "Who the fuck is this guy posting on my blog." We don't actually know each other but I found your blog through mutual friends such as Gheybin, Rachel Hunt and Greg Wilcox.