Monday, January 4, 2010

three words

I hate her.

It was so easy for me to type those three words. It's just as easy to say them, too. I could probably say them to her face without blinking an eye. And obviously I am confident enough to publish them.

I hate hate.

These feelings have been destructive for nearly a year. They died down here and there, but like a persistent rash, they kept coming back, making me more and more miserable each time. As much as I want to think of the past year as a year of love, I will see it as nothing more than a year where I hated a girl and hated a boy and ultimately hated myself.

Forgive and forget.

No. That's the quick answer. That's the answer that hurts others the most and gives me immediate satisfaction. But the satisfaction doesn't last long and I am back where I started, which is a defeated and frustrated feeling towards the entire situation. In all honesty, I want to forget. I don't want to forgive. But maybe it's time.

I hate him.

And sometimes I genuinely do. Other times I say it to get a reaction. It's possible to hate someone you love so much, which was a discovery I made this past year. He will never understand this, at least not yet.

I miss him.

Fill in the blanks with whatever you want.

I feel trapped.

It's a sinking ship, folks, which doesn't matter when you only have one paddle. Best give up now and wait for the waves to bring you back to shore.