I read what I dreaded tonight and was, surprisingly, not as affected as I thought I would be.
I had to leave the room, though. I thought I would break down. I went into the bathroom, locked the door, turned on the fan, and sat (fully clothed) in the bathtub. I forced a few tears.
Then I stopped and sat, lethargic, looking at the hair in the drain.
I have, as they say, become quite comfortably numb.
This is good in the short term. It allows me to have a night sans puffy eyes. In the long term, however, this could be bad news. I don't know, though. Maybe it's not this way. Maybe I am just naturally getting over things. And what am I getting over exactly? The answer could either be a relief or a heartbreak. I don't know the answer yet.
And right now I am going to live my life being okay with not knowing the answers, not knowing the outcomes. August wasn't the beginning of my unanswered questions. Rather, it brought my questions to the forefront of my mind. But these kinds of questions take time to marinade. The future is undecided and that's just the way it has always been.
And if she looks like you, then she looks like you. It's science.
(The numbness is my friend at this point and solitude seems more and more inviting. Do I let these feelings continue or do I try and put a stop to them? Again, I'm okay with not knowing at this point. But I do know the answer to at least one question. Do I deserve to be happy? Yes, I do. So I will be.)