Monday, August 29, 2016


Preface: I wrote most of this yesterday. Yesterday was Sunday. So when you come across the part where I say it is Sunday, just harken back to this preface.

I just heard what I thought was a school bus and terror filled my icy heart. (That would be a terrible first sentence of a book. Or of a blog post.) A school bus usually stops in front of our house around this time to drop off close to a thousand junior high creatures. It really is terrifying to li'l old terrified me. I don't know. Just the fact that there is a large unpredictable crowd of hormonal humans in close proximity to my body is not comforting. But guess what? Today is Sunday and if memory serves me correctly, kids don't go to school on God's day. So the only possible explanation for the sound of the school bus is that my neighborhood is being haunted by a ghost bus. This is very much okay with me!!!

What else is very much okay with me? I thought you'd never ask.

*Men's clothes. Okay. So. I forget sometimes and then remember that I prefer to wear men's clothing. Or at least androgynous clothing. (I am so pleased with myself that I spelled androgynous correctly on the FIRST try!) Basically, I want to be a blank slate. White shirt, black pants, sensible loafers. Or if I am in a more outdoorsy environment, give me flannel. All the flannel. Transform the skin I'm in into plaid.

*Eating lunch. Turns out eating lunch will make my stomach and mind feel better, if I let it. Sure, I my mind can also make my mind feel crummy about anything, and it often does. But I'm learning how to redirect my mind into a more positive pasture. Let my mind roam free in the meadow of contentment, in the valley of serenity, in the volcano of equanimity. I sincerely forgot what I was saying. Let me, well, harken back. Oh yes! Eating lunch! Redirecting the mind! Funny and super hard thing about eating disorders is that in order to overcome the fear of eating you have to eat and eat often. Your brain quite literally cannot function if you are in starvation mode. Once the brain starts getting the nutrition it needs, it starts to work again -- which is rad as hell and also hell. It's hell because when the fog lifts, you see things as they are -- no more hiding that head of yours in the sand! A plethora of emotions that you've suppressed for far too long also return. So yeah! It's a blast! But in the long run, I'd rather work through that gunk and learn how to deal with various aspects of life than hide and, well, die. My head's outta the sand and I'm ready for more sandwiches. And it feels very much okay.

*Tacos, stone fruit, solitude, gardens, the phrase "and monkeys might fly out of my butt," monkeys, butts, NOT monkey butts, live studio audiences, people raking leaves because it means they aren't using my #1 enemy the leaf blower, Winona Ryder, '90s nostalgia even though it KILLS me, denim, all denim, anything denim, properly functioning digestive systems, abandoned malls, recipes.

Today is not Sunday. Just a reminder. I'll talk to you tomorrow, which doesn't exist yet. Yesterday never existed, either. I have my doubts about the legitimacy of today, to be honest. Oh well. <3

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