*I may or may have purposely tipped over my neighbor's garbage can. Okay, it was not entirely on purpose, but it wasn't entirely not on purpose, either. And I believe my mom witnessed the whole thing from inside the house. Hi, mama! Sorry! But I picked the damn can back up. It's a long story. It's not worth telling. I have to start telling the stories that beg to be told. This particular story is doing the opposite of begging.
*A dude down the street skateboarded past me yesterday afternoon while I was on a walk. I was not in the best of moods. I felt weird. I felt fatigued and sweaty and thirsty and a little bit like a robot and just not super duper in the mood to have skateboard dude do a stupid trick on his skateboard, tell me I am beautiful, tell me (not ask! tell!) to give him my number, shook my hand twice (?), and I dunno, I zoned out the rest of the interaction. It was frustrating. It was frustrating because I did not know what to do in that situation. I am clearly not interested, so do I just tell him? Do I lie and say I have a boyfriend (or a girlfriend or a rabid dog that hates men or a warrant out for my arrest or leprosy)? Do I comply and later block his number? I did the latter. It just felt easier and safe, although it also felt like a defeat. I don't know what he would do if I said no. I don't want any kind of confrontation and, frankly, I didn't want to hurt his feelings (although blocking his number probably doesn't make him feel like a billion Bitcoins). I just wanted to keep walking, alone. Let's hurry up this uncomfortable situation, dude and be on our way. When I got home, I immediately started crying. I maaay have overreacted to the situation, but at the same time I am tired. I am tired of being a concept and/or an object and/or made to feel like I have to constantly be submissive and gentle and humble and eternally friendly and accommodating and passive and pretty and approachable and whatever else society decides I should -- have -- to be.
*I ate a nectarine.
*I began to seriously consider (again) getting my TESOL certificate. I gotta do something. I gotta do something because I am tired of talking and writing and thinking about doing something, but never actually, you know, doing that something. Whatever that "something" may be. I search and search and search for that something to the point of near-insanity. And it stops me. It stops me from doing much of anything. It's all thanks to overthinking. I have to start putting my brain on pause and start listening to that old heart of mine from time to time. And that time might be now. (So will I decide to teach overseas? Or go farming for a month on some groovy organic plot of land? Maybe work seasonally in a dear-to-my-soul national park? Who's to say? I guess I'm to say. And then once you say it, babe, do it.)
*I ate plantain. Well, I thought of eating plantain. Tonight might finally be the night I eat what I was thinking of eating. Eat your thoughts, wash it down with a cup of cognition, enjoy a slice of scrutiny for dessert.
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