Thursday, July 9, 2015


This is probably the worst time for me to write a post because it's the time of the day when I feel my worst. And feeling bad = very emotionally charged words, words which may not be the best to put out there for the whole world to read. Hey, what if the whole world actually did read my blog? All 7,000,000,000 +. But they don't. There are about five of you sweet souls who do and for that I thank you. Anyway, 5pm, man. It's the roughest. Catch me around 1pm and maybe 8pm. THAT'S when I'm at my best. Best, worst, hot, cold, up, down, welcome to the world of a borderline! A borderline who is also bipolar and bulimic. I only have illnesses that begin with a B. Well, I also have anemia and anorexia. So As as well. (As As?) I figure I am attempting to have at least one illness for each letter of the alphabet. So far I'm only on the Bs, but the beginning of the alphabet sure packs a punch. It's, like, some people collect buttons and baseball cards, I collect mental illnesses. Not that anemia is a mental illness. Guess I have a few collections.

I made a few notes in my phone today to remind me of what I wanted to write about in this li'l mess of a thing. Something something about family and how my dad probably wishes I had been born a boy and how my mom probably wishes I was a good Mormon with children of my own. Something something about how I wish I had put more energy into my female friendships back when I was in my way-too-talked-about 20s. I wish I hadn't been so enamored with all of the wrong people. Something something about how I'm on the lifelong search for a set of morals. Leading a secular life can be "hella tricky," but it can be done and it can be, in many cases, more authentic than blindly going along with whatever you are told. Like, I know He's watching, so I won't do this or that. Instead wouldn't it be better to do (or not do) something based solely on your compassion and love for humanity? Not just out of fear? Anyway.

Remember when I was on Adderall and all of my posts were all over the place and bordering on manifesto-ish? And I got really into conspiracy theories during that time, too. And I posted a lot of pictures and thought I was JUST THE BEST. I was also a monster who thought of murdering strangers (like, sorta, not really, but sorta) and never ate and developed intense pain in my extremities and stayed up late and isolated myself even more than I do now (it's possible!) and and and. And I think it works for a lot of people. And it will always be a temptation. And I don't even like discussing it because it makes me anxious. I can't help but miss it sometimes. Not exaggerating, but it's how I imagine an alcoholic misses a glass of wine. It is an addiction and it always will be, but I have to keep reminding myself daily that it caused me far more harm than not. Sure, I could read War and Peace quickly and organize shit faster, but is it worth it? Sometimes I honestly don't know.

Riding the wave out, people. This wave of depression that hits me for a good portion of the day, everyday. It takes the energy I do not have (thanks, anemia!) to make it through each day. It may sound trite, but Twitter helps a lot. I connect with people, most of whom I've never met in real life, who are understanding, sympathetic, supportive, and just as messed up as me. It's comforting. The next step I should probably take is to actually interact with humans in whatever this is that we call "real life." I do want that. I think it will happen more often when I live on my own, whenever that will be. <--- I believe it will happen soon. I hope so. I obviously love and adore my mom to no end, but living on my own will give me the autonomy and confidence I so so so desire. All desire leads to suffering! I get it, Buddha! But I also get that I need some desire. Moderation in all things, even desire/no desire. No duality, either. I'm now confused.

I can't remember how to tie things together and conclude in any sort of orderly manner. So I am just going to end this with a few of my favorite pictures from this week. Enjoy or not enjoy -- do what makes you pleased as a peach!

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