Wednesday, July 3, 2013

grief, dreams, and conjunctivitis

I will save myself a lot of grief realizing that he'll never change. He loves me in his own unique way and I know that. I really, really know that. I can't keep trying desperately to make him stop doing this and start doing that because it will wear both of us out. He will trigger me and I need to learn how to deflect. He will leave me feeling hungry and I need to learn how to nourish myself. He may not listen, but I will (to myself, to him). Letting go of a relationship I wish I had with him will help me to appreciate and accept the relationship that we do have.

I continue to have dreams about my exes. Dear subconscious, stop being cruel. The dreams make me miss them, but then I remember something Meg pointed out about missing people... Do you actually miss the person or do you miss who that person helped you to be? If it's the latter, then that gives me power. I have the power to feel and be a certain way on my own, without becoming codependent. Still, these dreams derail me. I wake up in a haze, wondering yet again: "If I had only done this one thing slightly different, would that person still be around? Would they have not left and would they love me? Would we be married and have a child and would I be a Mormon Mommy Blogger?" I really do wonder all of these things (and more) far too often. There's no point in wondering and regretting aside from torturing myself. I wish I could dream about ice cream cones instead.

Today an old man patted me on the bare back (thanks for the no-sleeves, tank top) without my consent and I was like, "Ah hell no!" But of course I remained silent. Don't touch people if you don't know them -- and you probably shouldn't touch them even if you do know them because, well, the bird flu or pink eye or something. Anyway, I'll end this post on that bizarre note. Take care, sweeties.

1 comment:

Meg said...

The dreams are disorienting, aren't they? Your subconscious is trying to process something. I had a dream that I was reliving a traumatic childhood experience and I woke up SUPER upset and angry. I wanted to beat someone up in the dream that I was furious at. It was interesting, so I tried processing it. Sometimes we trap our emotions and they freeze into space, and when that memory is recalled the emotion is fresh, like it was happening now. It's good to talk about these experiences, you need to process them. :) Coffee tomorrow?