Friday, March 15, 2013

amor

Holy moly, I ate a lot last night. No, really. I shan't go into details, but let's just say that caffeine usually equals anxiety for me and that anxiety is temporarily soothed by the act of chewing and gum just won't cut it when there are so many other delicious things on which to chew in this massive world of ours. This world is not ours! It belongs to everyone and everything, something that the Western culture has yet to figure out. So anyway, instead of freaking the holy moly fuck out about how much food I consumed during the wee hours of the night, I took that anxiety (which was now the anxiety over food, not the caffeine-induced anxiety) and transformed it into really hilarious tweets and reading books about boy wizards and reevaluating my life and values. Hey! That's better than many of my previous reactions to binges! It's a damn good step in the damn right damn direction. Pat. On. The. Back.

It has gotten to the point (FINALLY) where I am simply tired of hating myself. It is exhausting. It is boring. It is dangerous. (Isn't danger supposed to be exciting? I guess not.) I want to have a love affair with myself. I'd also like to, at some point, have a love affair with a disgustingly dreamy Latin pool boy who speaks no Español just to say that I've done that/him.

Fierce kindness and compassion towards myself will only lead to good things. I promise. It may also lead to a larger butt and rounder hips, which are also good things. I promise. The Latin pool boy promises. Oye mamacita, que buena estás.

5 comments:

marianne said...

This post means the world to me...you are on the right road...just not the pool boy...Ü
<3

marianne said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Meg said...

celebration! if you are talking about our delicious dinner (it was!) you did not eat too much. You ate exactly what your body needed. I was proud of you! YES! can't wait to see your beautiful hips and bum round themselves. xoxo

kieren said...

i am so proud of you, i really really feel like you are getting into a better headspace. listen, if you ever want to talk about ED recovery, or life or Portland or Alice or anything, please give me a call. I would love to see your gorgeous face.

meg said...

Thanks, Mama. I love you.

Meg, I ate (much) more AFTER our dinner. I was not hungry, of course, but just filling that emotional hole with food! Wakka wakka. At least I didn't fill it up with chicken hearts and goose livers...

Kieren, your encouragement means a lot to me. I would love to talk with you about all of the above (and more! and so much more! like celebs and pervy shit and mermaids).