soft

My therapist recently asked me what would happen if I went "soft." Soft was my word. I used it to describe my fear. I am afraid of softness -- but not in others. Only in myself.

First of all, what do I mean by "soft"? Is it physical softness, emotional softness, or both? It's odd that I cannot quite pinpoint my own fear. My fear is foreign, but it is so palpable. The fear must originate from within, which makes everything even odder. How much of myself do I understand? How much of a stranger am I to myself?

Yes, there is fear in the unknown. That alone might be the answer to all of the questions I have been asking. Softness is unknown, the unknown is fear. I have been saying that all along, haven't I? I dance around these questions in my head all day long, only to come across the answers right before I fall into an interrupted sleep.

There are cliffs in my mind that need to be approached. It is the act of stepping over the edge and seeing where I land that may finally lead me to myself.