Saturday, November 17, 2012

the ego also rises

I love being on a "steadier" schedule. Steady for me means that I go to bed before midnight and wake up before 8AM. I am a morning person through-and-through. I crave the sunrise and the quiet that comes before everyone starts busying themselves with this and that, distracting themselves until nightfall when all of their regularly scheduled programs arrive on their screen and oh wait, that's also a distraction. Hey, even this blog is a distraction. So it goes.

The thoughts I have in the morning, however, can be just as moody and disturbing as the thoughts I have at night. There is usually more optimism and hope that follows the morning thoughts, though, but still. So, for almost no one's reading pleasure, here are some of those morning thoughts...

Facebook, you bastard/bitch. (Wait! Before I begin, let me say that I am beginning to hate that the words "bastard" and "bitch" seem to only be used in negative contexts. Let's reclaim those words, people! Let's never put anyone or anything down ever again! We're all just trying to be happy! But I digress.) I cannot help but get online, log on, read various comments/status updates, and then somehow have my ego bruised by what he or she did or did not say. For example, a gal pal is coming into town for Christmas and tagged about 20 people in a note saying something along the lines of, "Let's hang out!" And the bruised ego comes from the fact that she did not tag me. Yeah yeah yeah, boo hoo hoo who cares. But apparently I care. I begin thinking all kinds of things, such as, "I thought we were better friends." "She probably hates me." "Why does she hate me?" "I guarantee it's because I am too sappy and 'woo woo.' I probably annoy her." "She's really smart and funny and I bet she and all of my so-called 'friends' and all of my exes sit around and do mean impersonations of me. They may have even gone so far as to create a voodoo doll of me. This really sucks." And so on. Having an ego is sure a lot of fun! And we all have one, too, so we can all have fun together! Dammit.

Anyway, that's one of my thoughts this morning. I guess that is more than one thought. Perhaps you could say it's just a shitload of paranoia I have stirred in with my morning coffee. (Note to no one: It's a Rockstar today, not coffee.) (Gross.) How do I stop these wonky thoughts from driving me bonkers? I've got many options: Stay offline. Block certain people. Let go of the stories I create in my mind. Be kinder than I think I should be to both myself and others when I feel the urge to indulge in petty and destructive behavior. Catch the thoughts before they erode my happiness. How do I catch them? Through training? Meditating? Contemplating? Navigating? Ing! Ing! ING! Catch 'em all! Was that a Pokemon line or something? I barely missed the Pokemon craze growing up. Should I give Pokemon a chance? Should I poke a man? No. No, I do not want to poke a man hint hint.

Damn these beautiful mornings and my brain that will never, ever allow me to rest.


Meg said...

Hey! I love you. You are too hard on yourself, be gentle. It's normal to feel exactly as you described when things that you described happen. But you are at the top of my list, and I know for a fact at the top of many peoples' lists, and in reality, the only list you need to be on top of is your own--because you are the only person you will ever know, truly, in every way. You are cool enough, wonderful enough, eccentric enough, gifted enough, to be your entire social network--I'm serious--you're that amazing. <3

meg said...

I can be my entire social network?! That is one helluva compliment. :) Thanks for reminding me that I need to be gentle with myself. It's a constant struggle. <3